Alright you married restaurant significant others!
CONGRATS!
You made it to the next step of your evolution, which means, you either found out what works for you within the parameters of your relationship, are still trying to figure it out, or you’re really good at hiding the fact that you still have NO clue why you are where you are!
No matter!
Let me start off by saying… No matter WHERE you are, you are strong ENOUGH to be able to maneuver into the world of being MARRIED to someone in this very demanding, sometimes dog eat dog industry! You really should give yourself a round of applause.
(we’ll wait here while you do that.)
No really, What does that say about you? (Answer: that you have what it takes!)
If I was to guess, you’ve picked up enough tools, realized how this relationship BENEFITS you, and have begun finding opportunities where others might see lack! (Even if it looks like you’re just doing what you gotta do.)
BRAVO!
- Learning to embrace the times when he or she is working as a time to further your OWN dreams and ambitions.
- Understanding how the independence that comes with being married to someone in this industry can SERVE you! or.. Maybe you don’t.
That’s alright, either way. I’m here at this step of your evolution to say that it’s alright that new challenges and frustrations ‘come up’. That didn’t rear their ugly head while you were dating. It’s only common that a new chapter in life, bring about new situations.
The honeymoon is over baby!
Back to the same ‘ol same ‘ol… but wait. Something is different. You realize this is IT. You have signed up for this “as long as you both shall live”. Hmm.. What might that bring up for you?
- Maybe the holidays are a smidge more challenging now that you really want to be with your husband/wife.
- Maybe there is a greater yearning to find time to be with your hubby…Your wife.
- Maybe his/her career has taken off and you find yourself wanting to support your spouse, but conflicted about what that means for you and the future success of your marriage. (another opportunity to step into the unknown, perhaps?)
Let’s face it, it’s different now, you’re at a different place. You’ve said your vows. You want to continue diving into who you both are, as individuals, as a married couple.
I mean, I’m sure the topic has come up. Babies? Restaurant Ownership? What does that mean for both of you? How will this change what we’ve already accomplished?
SO much to think about!
TOOLS FOR SUCCESS
Again, I want to stress that this is ultimately about being Okay with where you are. knowing that you’re at the next rung on the ladder. Recognizing and celebrating it; giving yourself PERMISSION to take it to the next level!
and damn it – if you could do this before, you definitely have what it takes to do it again! But this time…What if you
1. KNEW you weren’t alone and 2. went into this new chapter understanding and implementing new ways of thinking!
How far can you really take this? To make your marriage the MOST successful around! How will that change within your marriage and also.. (wait for it…) perhaps in EVERY other area of your life??
HMM, WHO’D A THUNK IT?
(yea I know…)
Let’s stay connected… Tell us:
- What tricks of the trade have you found to create balance in your marriage?
- What things do we all have in common?
What are the usual suspects for getting stuck in our relationship?
So to remind you…
- you already DO have what it takes to thrive in your relationship! I mean look at’acha!
- you know that you’re in uncharted territory. (that’s why you’re HERE!)
- that you’ve conquered this beast before.. you trust you will arrive to thrive when you implement new tools for success.
STAY TUNED FOR PROGRAMS, AND OPPORTUNITIES TO LEARN MORE ABOUT HOW TO DEVELOP THESE TOOLS.
What are they? You ask.
Good Question! (You’re so smart.)
Tools like:
- Self Care (What does that mean exactly?)
- Identity (And no, we don’t mean your drivers license) Who are you really?
- Play (yes, this is an important tool for success!)
- Focusing on YOUR dreams (not the ones you have a nite, silly! )
- Creating a vision for the future (babies? entrepreneurship? financial goals?) You name it!
And a continuing focus on HOW to give yourself permission to take chances, and really LIVE an inspired life!
I know you can do it, Do you?
*Okay you married restaurant couples.. maybe you’re ready to take it to the next level and start a family. Officially are you “trying” or TTC (trying to conceive) – if so, check out an article with great references from fellow Significant Other and Registered Doula called Conception on a Budget
I have only just stumbled upon this website and I can’t tell you how grateful I am to find it. It’s hard living with a head chef & not haveing a “normal” life and it’s hard for friends & family to understand. Thank you so much for this website
Hi there Laura! I’m SO SO glad that you are happy to have found us! What you said above is the EXACT reason why I wanted to create this site. It’s not easy and you’re right, not everyone understands. There are so many of us, feeling the way you do. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help!
Hi There,
I am in a similar boat. We met in the restaurant industry, then our schedules changed where we were both working in the day (it was great!)…..well we are engaged after having been together for 5 years. He recently got a promotion to executive chef and it made us move to a new town, where I am looking for a job and no nobody. I am losing my mind, staring at the computer screen, applying for jobs and planning a wedding, just eagerly awaiting his arrival at night. Right now he is going on a 15.5 hour shift and I still don’t know when he will be home. I love him so much and am really starting to hate myself because I am depressed and lonely yet I know he is doing this all for us and our (hopefully) future family. When we both used to work and go out at night it was different…advice would be great! I miss him but especially at night my mind starts to drive me crazy!!!
Hi there Lisa – If you haven’t got one thing to handle… you’ve got FOUR! You’ve 1. Moved to a new town 2. are looking for a job 3. Fiancee is now working CRAZY hours and 4. Planning a wedding! – I think (NO, I know!) I would be feeling depressed and lonely too! We’re here attempting to deal with our other halves working 70+ hours, here you are, not knowing a soul… trying to find someplace to work and plan a wedding! Let me assure you… you’re OKAY! Anyone who is going thru what you are now.. would also feel like they’ve lost their mind I’m SURE!
My suggestion is to take one minute and fast forward PAST finding a job and planning a wedding. (That day will come, I can assure you!) Then you’ll only have the task of dealing with a HUSBAND that works crazy hours and learning about a new town (Hopefully you feel sorta okay with where you’ve moved to) These things are definitely manageable. Actually, exploring a new town (again, one that perhaps you are excited about) can be very exciting!)
I can say two things for sure… you WILL find a job and you WILL get married. Those things are just time sensitive. The discovering a new town and learning to handle your other halves working/living parameters, are things that you will ALWAYS be working on.
My suggestion is to cut yourself some slack.. you have ALOT on your plate right now. Give yourself permission to be OKAY to feel frazzled! (If you don’t want to give yourself permission… I’ll give you permission – I hearby bequeath you permission to feel the way you’re feeling… How you feel now will NOT always be that way.!)
The husbands long hours, weekends….. and having to go to bed alone…. is OUR terrain. WE, your fellow Significant others, can TESTIFY that YOU CAN DO IT!!!
I think the trick to get over this lonely and depressed feeling is to almost force yourself OUT of the house. Take your laptop to a coffee shop, go for a walk. Take a knitting class. If left to our own devices it’s easy to continue to be sad because we’re looking at our CURRENT playing cards thinking this is IT… and then we do nothing. We gotta force our next hand a bit in order to create momentum to move up and OUT of the situation!!!
Again I want to say…. Anyone going thru THAT many transitions would absolutely feel a bit frazzled and off their footing. I know I would! Hope that helps!
Oh wow!! I just stumbled upon this website and I wanted to wholeheartedly agree with Angie. My husband and I have been married for not quite two years but together much longer. We have a 17 year old. He has had jobs outside of the restaurant and nothing ever made him smile like being in a kitchen. He’s now a manager at a major steakhouse and loves it. It makes him happy, which makes me happy. This job even took us away from my family (who I am super close to) and I knew not a soul. I have coped with the long nights and going to bed alone and essentially being a single parent with making friends and joining groups. I started an alumnae chapter of my college sorority to help me make new friends. These women have been my support group. Join a club. Join a woman’s group at church if you go…(I don’t go anymore because it’s one of the only mornings that we have as a family due to my job). Know that there are other’s out there that feel the same way. Get out and do something, anything. Learn to knit. Take a pottery class. Go back to school. Whatever you want. The time that he’s at work, is your time to focus on you. Learn to enjoy the time and then cherish the time that he’s home. Good luck and breathe! This too shall pass.
Hi there Jessica! Thanks for writing! I could not have said it better myself! Sometimes it takes having someone show us what we have (the time do focus on ourselves), in order to really get the full benefit of it. I’ve found that a common way of thinking is “All this free time to myself, to do what I want to do… makes me feel like I’m being selfish, or not focused on the actual relationship, when everyone ELSE (in 9-5 relationships) are together all the time.”Yup. It’s true. There is no usual way around that, we are not in a “typical” kind of relationship. Once we understand how to view the playing field of our relationship… it frees us to be more ourselves, it allows us to sink deeper in relationship with our restaurant man/woman.
Hey Jessica – Happy New Year! Wanted to invite you to join our FB group (if you haven’t already)… we’re a pretty active bunch! https://www.facebook.com/groups/201582828746/
I recently found this website and find it quite helpful to read all of this supportive and wonderful information. I recently moved from the north to the south. We moved because my husband was offered an executive chef position. The hours are grueling and I am alone quite often. Because our schedules are so different (I work days as a teacher), we never get to see each other, which is heart breaking for me. Trying to fit into a new place is not all that easy, and though I do enjoy the benefits of having a great deal of alone time, I of course would rather be with my husband. I feel such a mixture of anger and sadness, that I can never quite pin point which one I’m feeling at any given moment. Any feedback or sense of support would be most helpful.
Hi there Rachel. I’m so glad you found us. Sounds like you’ve got a few things on your plate right now – new job (for both of you), new town and knowing no one. Just the new job part would have a lot of us wanting to hide under the covers.(Especially in the cold, wintery months) Let me ask you… do you like the town you’re in? Is it quaint? Does it have any of the things you enjoy doing? And your new teaching job – have you met anyone that resonates with you? You said you feel anger? What messages of anger come up? And sadness? If I can guess that you’re angry at him that you had to move… leaving your friends and family. If that’s how you’re feeling, that really makes sense. It’s not easy leaving what you know. From where I see it, you made an awesome choice to give your husband the opportunity to soar in his career, a decision that we significant others make because we believe in our restaurant man/woman so much. How can you make this change an opportunity for you to find something to soar in as well? I’m not sure if you’re already with us, but please join our FB group (we’re a pretty active bunch!) – https://www.facebook.com/groups/201582828746/
Hiya Rachel… I’m so glad you find the website helpful! *Apologies for delay in response! That was my primary reason for wanting to create it! Where in the South are you? I can absolutely relate that having TONS of alone time in a new town can be very overwhelming.. almost like you don’t know where to start! What are the odds that your husbands hours are going to remain as intense as they are now? What are the possibilities of them being reduced as he gets acclimated to his new position? Why don’t you join us in the Facebook Group https://www.facebook.com/?ref=tn_tnmn#!/groups/201582828746/ – We’re a pretty active group and I think it’ll help you not feel so alone. My own take is to take the time you need to get comfy with your surroundings… creating a “home base” feel of sorts… Then when you are feeling secure there.. you can venture out. Unfortunately this type of relationship is mostly about being independent… which is a GREAT opportunity for you to strive towards your own dreams and goals… Hope that helps!
Ha Ha! I see I already responded… Silly me! I didn’t see my original response! I hope things are starting to settle in and you’re feeling more comfortable in your new life! SO exciting!! A Fresh start!
So very excited to have found this site! My husband and I started dating young, at 15, and he started his culinary apprenticeship while we were still in high school. Twelve years later, we have been married for 2 1/2 years and I still have days when I struggle with being married to a chef. You think I would be used to it by now! I’m very excited to explore this site!
Hi Stephanie! Thank you so much for writing! Wow… you got together at 15 huh? Very cool! That is amazing!! I think it’s completely common that we’re going to have moments when we have trouble accepting the ins and outs of this industry. Just when life becomes comfortable.. something changes! So how do we deal with these changes.. when they happen is one of my goals. Look forward to interacting with you in the groups… or on Facebook! Make Sure you join our active FB group!
How great to find you! I am a chef married to a chef and I think that is the key to our relationship working. I know EXACTLY what he is going through as well as getting to still be in the business without the exhausting 14 hour days! (I don’t work that many hours but HE does!)
Years ago I learned that I needed to have my own interests, passions, hobbies and circles of friends. Girlfriends. Four years ago I started working with him at the restaurant as the catering director. It has been challenging to learn how to work with each other. He thinks of us as partners and I sometimes think of him as my BOSS and I am the employee. It makes for interesting days!
Thanks for giving us Restaurant Widows a forum to support each other.
Susan
Hi there Susan! Welcome! I’d love to hear your take on what it’s like being a chef, being married to a chef. *No pressure* If you’re ever interested in guest posting.. the door is always open! Sounds like an AWESOME perspective you have!
YES!!! *getting choked up* that is EXACTLY what am attempting to instill in everyone who visits. The underlying MISSION of Married to a Chef is to remind them of what they VALUE in their relationships!! Having your own interests, passions and circle of friends is NUMERO UNO in a thriving restaurant relationship! It’s SOOOO easy to focus on what I call, “The Grievances” if you don’t know what you bring to the table. Sounds like you already have this in process… Yay for you!
Please make yourself at home here.. and definitely join our active FB Group (look us up!)