Let’s see if this sounds familiar… shall we? **
So, here you are, a 9-5′r…Ready, willing and able to find that person who makes your heart skip a beat, someone who makes you smile from ear to ear … wherever you go.
GAME ON! You do what’cha gotta do (online dating/events/etc) to meet this person.
VOILA! ~ you’ve met this great guy or gal… been on one or two dates.
The chemistry is there for sure (va va voom!), they are pleasing to your eyes (YUM) and a HA! It’s mutual! SCORE!
You know that their in the restaurant biz…they’ve told you about their wonky schedule, you think “okay I can do this.” Doesn’t sound terribly horrible.
I mean… ‘How cool is it that I’m dating someone that I could go visit when I get off of work!’, it looks like a win win…
So you dive in… adapting to their nocturnal ways, their fly by nite, on the fly spontaneity that you find exciting! Having him or her have a scrumptious dinner for you on the table ready for you when you get home from work! Someone who is available to meet you for lunch during the 9-5 workday (How great is that?) before they head off to their shift.
Your friends are jealous that you get to do this with them.. And it’s different than anything you’ve experienced (and.. It’s kinda sexy!)
Things are great and it’s official! You’re a thang!
Well true, you kinda miss him or her in the evenings when you get off of work; especially Fridays, but you know that they’re doing what they love and you want to support them, so you are cool going to events solo, or just staying in.
At first this feels AWESOME because you can still hang out with your single girl/guy friends. Hey, it’s kinda like you have the best of both worlds!
And yea… they’re sleeping when you leave for work kinda stinks.. cannot kiss them goodbye. But you know they just pulled a 12 hour shift , so you do your best to keep it quiet while leaving your place.
I mean it’s not THAT bad…
(Plus you don’t want to seem like a complainer.. So you keep it to yourself the best you can, I mean you’ve only been dating a few months)
And well, it is strange to you that whenever you hang out with their co-workers, or friends (who also are in the biz), their ‘work family’, you never seem to fit in. Actually, you kinda feel like an outsider. They keep the subject to things going on at their restaurant – servers, customers…food issues… and you’re wondering when the topic is going to change to something you can talk about! I mean, you’ve got plenty of interesting stuff to talk about!
Bottom line, this does not feel right. So you keep yourself quiet – and then his or her friends begin to think ‘Why is she so quiet? Does she not like us?”. So, as Heidi Klum says.. You’re OUT.
Additionally – if your beaus peeps are celebrating something – and the alcohol is flowing.. You look over at your loved one and think, ‘he doesn’t look like the person you spend your time with. Who is this person?’
You mention something to your beloved – but the conversation leaves you feeling like you’re just being sensitive. Maybe he/she says that you gotta ‘jump in there’ and join the conversation. You’re thinking “Yea, I’d love to but I have NO experience with difficult customers sending back their food 3 times!”
These experiences are quickly becoming red flags to you.
Maybe you push on. I mean, You love him/her. That has NOTHING to do with how you feel. Maybe this is just you being sensitive as he/she said.
You keep on… with one exception – you’re hearing the awesome stories of your other girlfriends who are dating fellow 9-5′rs and (sad) you want that too. Someone to wake up with on the weekends, and to have dinner with after work. So you continue into your relationship knowing there is another way to ‘be’ in a relationship.
Maybe this brings in some resentment? arguments? “Why can’t you be more like this…”, “Can’t you rearrange your schedule so you open everyday and be with me in the evenings?”, “What do you mean I have to go to my parents for Thanksgiving alone!”
My guess is – you probably recognize the feeling this brings.
One of two things happen – you acclimate because your love for him/her is so strong.
Or you break up.
Does any of this resonate with where you are or where you have been?
I think it might.
It’s a TOTALLY different world – being with someone in the industry and without having the right tools (shoot, ANY tools!). We’re out there journeying alone.
And to add to it, those around us do NOT understand what it’s like. They are with fellow 9-5′rs.. They do NOT understand. Right? Lets talk about said tools, shall we?
TOOLS FOR FINDING SUCCESS
Part of why I’ve created Married to a Chef is to share some tools (most likely that you already have but aren’t aware of!) that you can use to ‘bring to the table’ where you are in your dating journey with your restaurant man or woman!
Firstly – you’re here! (with MANY of your fellow 9-5′rs in the SAME boat as you!)
What does that tell you?
It says that you are serious about your relationship and are out looking for help! Good for you! If you look at the comments below - being here also tells you you’re not alone!
Doesn’t that make you feel good? (it should.)
Okay… here are three things to ponder and ask yourself:
1. Yes. Being a 9-5′r and dating someone in the restaurant industry is going to have it’s share of being the pits sometimes, we cannot deny that. But so does being with a fellow 9-5′r! There are some wonderful blessings that come with being where you are.
What , do you think, are some of those perks? (I bet you could name three right now.)
2. Let’s talk about who you are? What does being here, to find the tools to success, say about YOU? (hint: that you’re strong, determined, willing to work out of the box perhaps?)
3. Anything worth having is going to take a willingness to dive into the unknown, wouldn’t you say?
It’s about perspective, after all. How could you take a different approach to where you are , instead of the solo holidays, going home to an empty place may seem like a dead end of your relationship, that these are opportunities to create excitement in OTHER areas of your life?
In other words, how could you see this relationship and it’s parameters as an opportunity to focus on other areas of your life? (Kinda like.. Relationship? Check. Career? Um… Social Circle? Well?…. ) you get my point.
TRUST me – it may not seem like it, but there is a big red bow tied around your relationship, it’s just a matter of seeing the opportunity where you might currently see lack!
It is my vision to create interactive and self seeking programs designed to guide you to the tools that you most likely already have, but need some awareness seeing. These tools are what your VALUES are; and once you really grasp what they are and how they show up in your life,you’ll see a whole new world before you! (Like, for example, successful 9-5′rs in relationships in this industry find their WILDLY INDEPENDENT!!!)
- What does being independent mean to you?
- How do you show your independence within and around your relationship?
How does it make you FEEL when you are being independent?
Finally – to me, it’s VERY important to guide you back toward giving yourself PERMISSION to make this life as authentically personal and genuinely rewarding as humanly possible!
I mean it’s YOUR life. Don’t you want to get as much out of it as you can? (answer: yes!)
I’ve made it my mission to lead you back toward being comfortable giving yourself PERMISSION to LIVE!
Somewhere along the way we lost the confidence to give ourselves permission to really LIVE. It doesn’t matter what kind of relationship you’re in – we first have to give ourselves permission to make big bold steps, in EVERY avenue of your life!
It’s time to take that back. (Wouldn’t you agree?)
Part of that is understanding what your values are, how NOT understanding them can trip you up.
{MUST READ} – A chefs take on What you need to know BEFORE you marry a chef. *PLEASE READ THIS – I COULD NOT HAVE SAID IT ANY BETTER!
- Marrying a Chef? What you need to know BEFORE saying ‘I do’ by Chef and Steward
I recommend you really do some soul searching NOW. After reading the article above.. ask yourself if this IS or CAN BE YOU. Because once you get married (if you believe in the long haul anyways) Knowing the things in this article will save you a LOT of resentment and loneliness.
Sign up to get updates, create your own profile, join the conversation in the groups, check in with the blog, and join your fellow 9-5′rs in programs geared toward meeting you EXACTLY where you are!
SHARE YOUR STORY! Leave a comment below and tell us what else you’ve experienced!
**I know that everyone has different experiences, I’m giving a general gist from what I’ve heard (or experienced) from the front lines.
First off, I don’t think this site could have came at a better time for me. I have been with my chef for 6 months and its been amazing. Yes we have had our ups and downs and I have gone through my lonely nights and lonely weekends…but we have always seemed to pull through. But, the past couple of weeks it feels like we are in a rut. He made a comment to me about how his life is predictable how he works all night, goes to bed, wakes up, goes to work…then on his days off he comes to my apartment he sleeps in while I get up go to work come home at 5 he either cooks dinner for me or we go out to dinner and then we go back to my place and relax. Now, I’v been obsessing over that word “predictable.” I want to find a way to make things unpredictable on his days off do something different but its hard sometimes for me because I wake up at 7:45 every morning on the rode by 8:30 I work all day come home by 5:30 then I wait up to talk to him which sometimes isn’t until 2, 3, or even 4 in the morning. Yes, occasionally I get a nap in here or there but for the most part I wait up because if I go to bed I’ll miss his call and then I”ll never get to talk to him. But, then he gets annoyed on his days off when I get tired and I want to go to be early actually attempt a full nights sleep but he gets mad about it. Which always ends up in an argument with me saying I worked all day with little sleep and now you want me to stay up again into the wee hours when you slept till 2 or 3 in the afternoon. Then of course I here him tell me well I work 13, 14 hour days and then its like ughhhh!!!
I just wish there was a happy medium here I don’t want to fight with him but I give in to his hours and do my hours to have a relationship with him…I just don’t know what to do…
sorry if this is rambled or off topic from maybe where I started but I’v been holding it in and I needed to get it out to someone who may just understand. Please help? with any ideas?
Realize that you are the one making changes in your life and your routine to nurture the relationshipi. You each have a responsibility to take care of your own selves and take care of the relationship. Take a step back and evaluate if you both are making the same efforts. You sem to be neglecting your own needs a bit and taking more responsibility for the relationship. You need to discuss that or make peace with it because it won’t change.
I have been with my girlfriend for almost 10 months. When we first met she was unemployed. I had almost 2 months of having her all to myself. She would come over and make me dinner and when I was sick she wanted to take care of me. It was my perfect relationship. When she got a job I was so happy for her..until it started affecting out relationship. I work late nights myself during the week (12pm-10pm) so we would never see each other during the week and then on the weekends she would always be working. She was always tired after work so we would have a few drinks to mellow out and then spend some time together. As time past it just seemed to get worse and worse and then the holidays would come and she couldn’t spend them with me (thanksgiving, xmas, valentine’s day). I had my 10 year high school reunion and she said she would go so I bought two tickets…then she tells me a few days before hand that her boss wouldn’t let her off. I balled my eyes out. Then my birthday came and she said she would spend the day with me…again she says a fews days before that her boss won’t let her off…so I spend the day by myself. All these special days and all ruined because of her job. I don’t know if I can take it anymore. I thought over time it would get easier but it’s not and I know it won’t get any better in the future. I’m sorry to be venting but I felt like this was the only place that people would understand. Thank you for listening.
Hey Shannon.. First off – Kudos to you for even writing! I don’t care what anyone else says.. it takes courage to reach out. Sounds like you’ve had a bit of an eye opener when it comes to being connected to someone in this industry. Want to say that whatever happens.. you will be OKAY. It takes most of us other halves a bit of time to get accustomed to the ins and outs of the restaurant world. Next comes the hard part… what you are experiencing…. her hours, her having to bail at the last minute is unfortunately common. The restaurant industry is, If I may be so bold.. is very reputation based. It’s about who works the hardest that will give one a step up. It’s kinda like an endurance race.. who has the most stamina will succeed. She probably is spinning along with you as she gets her bearings in her position.
Your feelings are VERY valid Shannon. You have every right to be thrown off by this sudden change in her energy level toward you. How can you give yourself permission to be okay where you are? Whether this is the right fit for you or not.. you are learning a huge amount about yourself.. and what you value and want in a relationship. We have ALL been there. Go easy on yourself.. this type of relationship is unlike many others.
Shannon and Elizabeth
I can totally relate. It is hard and it takes resilience to stay. I have actually been with my partner for 17 years and even a short time ago went to counselling as it was yet another Xmas alone and I got all upset. I have decided that I just have to be independant and not worry about attending functions etc by myself and that even though we live very independent lives I still love him and want to stay. Have to think about their good points – hard working, honest, good chef, a match personality wise.
Last year I just had to just organise myself knowing he would be working on Xmas Eve, Xmas day. I don’t get upset if he gets called into work when he is supposed to be off and I am very used to important dates us not being together.
First of all I am so happy to have found this website. I woke up this morning hysterically crying and feeling so alone and googled married to a chef thinking I might find a post here or there on the topic, but am so happy to see an entire website dedicated to people in a similar situation to myself.
Growing up my step-father was a chef and I remember very well going to bed every night with him gone and spending every holiday and vacation with out him. I was a restaurant brat because my mom would take any opportunity she could to spend time with him so we basically lived in whatever restaurant he was working in at the time. Up until about a year and a half ago I swore I would never marry a chef, I knew it was not the life I wanted.
About a year and a half ago I met one of the greatest men I have ever known and despite my insistence at not dating a chef (or not dating at all as I had just gotten out of a bad long term relationship)I fell very hard. He works very long days in extreme heat and I could always see it taking a toll on him but at the time he was working at a lunch place so we still had most evenings together. I realized early on that the only way for me to be in this relationship was to get into the restaurant business myself. I have always been a foodie and am a people person so it seemed like it made sense. Before I knew it I was working as a hostess at a fine dining establishment, trying to learn everything I could for the restaurant my boyfriend and I talk about opening. We talk about marriage, we talk about what were going to name our kids, we talk about the restaurant were gong to own one day and what were going to do differently than all the people we work for. My boyfriend has been working 14+ hour days 5 days a week for a while now and than you take into consideration that he wants to go drinking after that and I basically feel like im in a relationship with myself. Slowing im feeling the romance fade as he is so tired when I see him, and I want him to rest because I know how hard he works, that were starting to loose the little things. I cant remember the last time he made some grand gesture towards me, he used to make me feel like the sexiest woman alive, used to text me during the day just to tell me he was thinking about me and loved me and now I feel like we’ve gotten boring and predictable and I can easily go 14 hours without hearing a peep from him. This than makes me feel selfish because I know how hard he is working. I know that he is trying to move up in his restaurant and prove himself, I respect what he is doing, I respect his work ethic and his passion for food. Its just hard knowing that there is no end in sight, this i’snt a phase, this is his life. We recently got a kitten together and I have ended up taking full responsibility for him because my chef is never home and the kitten still needs to be cared for. This caused a freak out the other day when it occured to me that my chef was going to miss every doctors appointment, t-ball game, school recital, etc for our potential children and this caused me for the first time, to doubt if I can be a chef’s wife.
A week later and im still having doubts, I attempted to discuss this with him and he told me I needed to make a decision, this is who he is and I need to decide if I can deal with it. I love him so much and don’t want to imagine my life without him in it, but also don’t know if I am thick skinned and independent enough.
It feels so childish, but I have been feeling so lonely lately. Im on the other side of the country from my family and my support system, and my number one support system here is almost never around for me to talk to. Last night I was feeling really down and waiting patiently for him to get home. He called me around midnight to tell me that his two bosses wanted to take him out for a drink to talk. I was fine with this and made the mistake of not communicating to him that I was waiting up for him because I missed him. When he finally came home around 2:30 and I discovered that one beer turned into a night at the bar with all of the people I work with at my restaurant, I got really upset. I would have happily met up with him, had he just taken 2 seconds to ask me how I was doing or feeling when he called me, I would have told him I was feeling really lonely and to call me if he was just drinking at the bar so I could meet up with him. I was frustrated that he didn’t think to invite me to join, and more frustrated when I told him I was upset how he spent the rest of the night talking about everything everyone had said and done at the bar.
So here I am, I woke up this morning crying, feeling alone, not knowing where to turn. Even if I get no response for this, it has felt really good to write it out.
I don’t know how i’m going to resolve this situation, the way I see it I have two options. Accept it and find more independence, or don’t and break it off with the love of my life.
Ali: You are definitely, for sure, not alone. I have been exactly where you are right now. My Chef was my high school sweetheart and I love him with all my heart and could not live without him, and I know because I’ve tried. I’ve left numerous times because I thought I could no longer take the lack of time, affection, attention, pretty much lack of everything from him because he put it all into his work. This has gone on for the last 12 years with us. I thought if I couldn’t have him just the way I wanted him, then I would let him go and find something that did fit the ideal lifestyle that I always thought I’d live. Doing stuff with my boyfriend/hubby every weekend, enjoying every moment together with our children (we have a 2 yr old together)seeing each other every night and having dinner together as a family. But it turns out the perfect “lifestyle” doesn’t mean anything if you’re not with the person who’s perfect for you. And he is perfect for me. No, I don’t get to see him as often as I like, no, he’s not emotionally available for me at all times when I want it, but HE is the man I know that I’m supposed to be with, and when we do get special time together, as few and far between as it may be, I’m reminded why I’m staying here, keeping my mouth shut, whining as little as I can stand, and putting him and his career first. Its hard and its annoying and nobody I know understands it. But it means the world to him and he might not tell me alot but I know it. And being with him means the world to me. And I know that if he wasn’t a chef and he didn’t have this passion for his work and his craft that he does, he wouldn’t be the same person anymore and I love him exactly as he is. I left him before for someone who was always there, always wanting to talk, always buying me gifts, always doing everything I thought I wanted….but everything I thought I wanted really isn’t all its cracked up to be if it isn’t with my Chef. I just had to get a different perspective. And that’s not as easy as just saying it, that’s for sure. It took me years to get here. You have to make a life for yourself outside of him. Get hobbies….reading….movies….gardening….shopping…anything to fill your time. And you need to have some friends nearby. I don’t know how I could make it without any…..do you have friends you work with that you could spend some time with? Or maybe wives of sig others of other chefs that he works with? And maybe make more time to travel and visit your family and friends that live across the country. If you really feel he’s the love of your life, I would strongly recommend you try to stick with it, I wish I had then we wouldln’t have lost the time we did. The grass is not always greener on the other side, in fact it rarely is. What you want is more time with HIM, and if you can’t get that, going elsewhere is really not the best solution to your problem. And alot of people (i.e. your friends and family) might think that you’re making all the sacrifices in the relationship and that’s not fair, at least that’s what I’ve had to deal with, but I think when you love somebody as much as I love my Chef and he loves me, sometimes there is going to be more give from one and more take from the other. But if you love them, its worth it. In my case, a small amount of time from my Chef is definitely what I’d choose over no time at all from him and not having him in my life anymore. If you wanna talk, feel free to send me a message or email me at enr1212@yahoo.com , I love meeting and becoming friends with people in the same boat as me because none of my friends who are with people on regular schedules with regular jobs understand what I have to go through, we need the support to keep us going!!!! Good luck!
Erinne – it’s so amazing how similar our stories are. It wasn’t until I left my then chef boyfriend to be with a fellow 9-5′r that I realized the VALUE I had being with chef. Once I had that lightbulb moment… I, too, feel EXACTLY where I am supposed to be. Totally agree on having my own passions, my own friends… There is definitely a common thread that binds us all together. Thanks for sharing!!!
Thank you Ladies for your supportive comments! I hope hearing that there are others that are in the same shoes as you helps you feel not so alone. What Erinne wrote definitely rings true for me as well. It’s about understanding what works and what doesn’t. This process takes time. Go easy on yourself and know that we are here when you don’t know who to turn to.
Oh Ali! I’m sending you a virtual hug right now! You’re in a tough situation for any relationship, let alone one with a chef. I have found the best way to resolve issues like this is communication. You have to be able to sit down and CALMLY talk about how you’re feeling. You also have to decide what you as an individual really want. Some people need more attention than others and some people give more attention than others. I’ve been dating a chef for 6 years and he has always found a way to remind me he cares even with his crazy busy schedule. As much as it hurts, if your boyfriend isn’t willing to listen and find a way to make you both feel better, maybe you would be better off with someone else who can provide the level of affection you need (chef or not). Good luck!
Reading everyone’s post after I posted does make me feel better because you all sound like you were in the same boat as I was. Unfortunately, my chef and I are no longer together because I felt like he wasn’t being honest…not like cheating not honest like personal things but a lot of what I am starting to realize I feel as if I was influenced by people on the outside. It’s almos as if the things people were saying about him made me believe what they were saying rather then believe him. I am not proud of it and I miss him dearly because I truely believe he is the one for me. Luckily my chef and I do still talk a lot and I did go on one date and quite honestly I hated it the whole time I thought about my chef and I really didn’t like the fact he was at my beck and call all the time and it made me realize I liked having my independence and the relationshp I had. So, I just pray everyday that my chef and I can move on from this and hopefully one day get back together.
Hey Liz – Firstly, I’m glad you feel better. It’s not a cake walk figuring out if this type of relationship works. For most of us, it takes TIME. TRUST is an important part of figuring it out. Sounds like you are figuring out what works for you. Hang in there… most of us have been EXACTLY where you are.
Ali, you are definitely not alone, however, when you’re in the situation you’re in, the only company that is fulfilling is the person you’re missing, I know. I think you already know the right answer: If you’re going to make it work, as you wrote, you have to accept it & find more independence. If you’re far away from your support system & friends, you can find other ways to occupy your time. I found fulfillment in joining a chorus, becoming active in my alumnae association, volunteering, etc. This not only kept me busy & helped me meet new people, but part of keeping a relationship exciting is each maintaining your own life. This keeps a little bit of mystery around the person you’re with. (Remember how intriguing it was when you first got together & everything you were learning about each other was new?). It won’t be perfect because you’re still not likely to have pastimes that keep you busy at 2:30 am when you’re waiting for him to get home. However, you can’t change anyone else, but you can make changes for yourself & you’ll be surprised sometimes to see how much a change in yourself may create change in your relationship.
I think you deserve a pat on the back for acknowledging that you could have communicated better & told him that you were waiting up for him. As much as we all would like our men to be more sensitive or perceptive, restaurant or not, men are like puppies & they don’t get subtlety. They have to be told, “Sit!” “Stay!” “No!” & like a puppy, they actually want to know exactly what you want & expect of them. They hate trying to figure out what we women want. So never hesitate to tell him how you’re feeling. You may often feel like a broken record or a nag or just hate to whine, but tell him. He loves you & that means he wants you to be happy. He’ll be glad if you tell him how he can do that.
Do you have a day that you try to reserve for both of you or make sure to schedule regular date nights? Even my nine-to-fiver friends in relationships with other nine-to-fivers have to maintain regular date nights to keep the relationship fulfilling. We may think they are lucky since they get off work at the same time every evening, can have dinner & whole weekends together, but I think we see their grass as greener than it is. They see each other every night & every weekend & it makes it easy for them to take their time, & sometimes each other, for granted. One thing that makes me grateful to be in a relationship with the General Manager of a restaurant is that since he can’t always be around, even six years into our relationship, every moment we have together is sacred. Maybe you can make some regular plans to make sure your time together is special.
Whatever you do, keep talking!
Keep telling him how you feel & trying to do things to make yourself happy. (Ask yourself, if I weren’t in a relationship, what would I want to do today? Then go out & do it!) As long as you keep the communication open & active, things will work out the way they’re meant to be.
Thanks Em… you’re the best. Miss you guys! xo!
I am so happy that I found this site, and others like it. I have been dating my chef for 4 and a half years now, before he even went to culinary school. I actually pushed him to go to the CIA because he was good at it and it was his passion and I wanted him to be happy. We moved in together 6 months ago after 4 years of dating, and while I love living with him, I miss him terribly all the time. I thought that I was the only person who felt like this, and that I was selfish for even thinking this way, but I have moments of resentment: I hate not talking to him all day, I hate coming home to an empty apartment, and I hate spending all weekend by myself. When he was on an AM schedule, it was beautiful, he was home every night for dinner, and we actually spoke more than two words to each other. But he was also cranky and miserable because he was leaving for work at 5 am every day. So, he would end up asleep at 8:30.
What gets me the most is the loneliness of it all. Most days, it’s ok because I’m used to this and I keep myself fairly busy. He had very similar hours in culinary school, and throughout his externships. But then there are days when I have had a bad day at work, or am having trouble dealing with something in my family, and all I want is to have him home when I get there so I don’t have to spend that time by myself.
All of this being said, I would not trade him for any other “normal working” person out there. But is nice to know that there are others out there in the same boat as myself.
Hi Alex – I’m so glad you found us! What you’re feeling right now, missing him and feeling moments of being resentful, is a VERY common place to feel at one time or another in this type of relationship. SO MANY of us can relate to wanting our other halves there when we have a bad day,etc… (I know I can!) You’re not alone, that I can ASSURE you.
I’m SO excited I found this site! I’ve been with my chef for 2 years. We are both 23 years old and currently doing this long distance (Im in Los Angeles, he’s in Orlando- building his resume after graduating from culinary school ’11). Up to this point I’ve been relying on long distance relationship blogs to keep me sane but I never thought to look up “dating a chef”!! I’m literally all smiles as I write this – I have found my ladies!
Anyone else been in a LDR with their chef that can offer advice/tips??
We’ve been LDR pretty much from the beginning but things have gotten difficult as he has become more focused on his career and has had less time to keep in touch. He is set on coming back to LA in May 2013 – looking for advice/tips to keep strong till then!
Hi there Sam! Apologies for my delay. I’m so glad you’re excited! Wow.. that is a distance, huh? How long have you been apart? It makes total sense that he would be less available as his studies got more intensive. Sounds like there is an End in sight – May 2013!! Sounds like you need to figure out what to do in the meantime… it makes me wonder what the hardest part is, being apart? Not being able to talk on the phone would be my thought.. what are your thoughts? I’m totally curious!
I’ve been with my bartender boyfriend for the better part of 3 years. He moved to Boston in July to be a bar manager in a restaurant that has been doing very well. They’ve only been officially open about 3 or 4 months now, but they’ve built quite the reputation. I’m really happy for him, but we are doing our relationship long distance, and I am desperate for some sort of connection and I feel like he’ll never be able to give it to me. We sometimes can go days without speaking, maybe with a quick “i miss you” text message here or there, but never a conversation. When I bring it up, he says that he wants to be “that” person for me that can give the attention, but right now has to focus on his career. I just don’t know what to do, I love him but this industry is crazy- will he ever be able to make time for the relationship or will I always have to get by on a “i miss you” text every few days? I find myself very upset and resentful of him now because I want some of the attention he is giving to his restaurant and he just can’t give it to me. I’ve read some of the other posts on here and it seems similiar to my situation. I’m willing to do what I can to make it work but it just seems like I’m the one doing all the work and moving my life around so I can accomodate his crazy schedule (6 days a week). Please help.
Hiya Kristy – Eek, being in a restaurant relationship in the same town is difficult enough… add to that moving to another town and you’ve got an added krimp in the mix, huh? I can only imagine how lonely a feeling that is. What is the long term vision for him moving to Boston? Are you planning on joining him at some point or will he eventually return home? While he may not showing you that he wants to be “that” person… I gotta give him credit for being self aware ENOUGH to say that right now he needs to focus on his career. A lot of restaurant men/women don’t even know HOW to say that to their significant other, so it goes unsaid, and because actions speak louder than words… RESENTMENT settles in. Sounds like he’s given you a heads up, which might not be 100% comforting, you’re not completely in the dark. What does he say about his trajectory? His long term plans? Does he include you in them? If so… maybe you can put ALL your focus on that time, knowing it WILL eventually turn around. As your resident life coach, maybe this is a time for YOU to figure out where YOU want to be in the next two years… and work on that goal, while he is working on his (and if he sees you in them) I’m here if you ever want to work on this more.
Thank you so much for your response. The long term plan for him is to stay in Boston, and I will be moving up there next month actually. I won’t be living with him, but it will at least eliminate the distance and hopefully make things a little easier when he does have that glorious one day off.
When we talk about our future, he does talk about it in terms of us being married, having kids, all that. But, he says he wants to get more into the management side of things before he makes those committments so he actually has time for them. He is very open and honest about everything in our relationship, I will give him that. He just isn’t very good at expressing his feelings in the time inbetween when we see each other, which is the majority of the relationship, which is when I need the affirmation the most. We’ve talked about it before, but he still doesn’t do it as much as I hope he would. I know it must be hard for him. The thing he always says to me is that “we are making the small sacrifices now (like not seeing each other a lot/talking a lot) so our future can be the best it can be.”
I’m trying really hard to focus on myself right now so I do have a hobby or something I am just as passionate about as he is the restaurant business, but I’m a big planner and all I wanna do is plan when our next convo will be, when we’ll see each other, when we’ll finally live together, blah blah. The stuff I can’t control! He always tells me we have to take things day by day and let them happen naturally. ugh.. now that I’m writing this I’m realizing that he’s saying a lot of positive things that maybe should be my focus rather than when I’m he’s going to put a ring on it. gahh!
Hi, reading all of your comments on this site and being in a relationship with a Head Chef, I feel that if you are secure enough in yourself, independent enough and not needy then a relationship with a chef works well. I unfortunately am the same as everyone on here…I also miss him, feel he could text more, wish he would try to make better plans on his splits or time off and wonder why the boss always has to have meetings at night after work rather than on the quiet times in the day when the place is quiet!…. Its hard and I am trying to not be needy, not want attention and most of all trying to not fight with him over it. We have definitely had our fair share of fights about this, he says the same as all the other chefs it is his career, he loves me and shows me when he can. I just need to get it I guess…..
Hi there Natasha! I could not have said it any better myself! Hey the first step is knowing what it’s going to take and it sounds like you KNOW! Go you! Unfortunately we get into these relationships without knowing what it’s going to take and end up feeling like we’re treading water without one of those red lifesaving rings. Personally, I think there is a middle ground between what he is saying and how you are feeling but I have yet to be able to articulate it into words and how to help others find it. I won’t give up trying though… and neither do you! I don’t know if you already are but a great place to find solace, for now, is our private Facebook group. Find us!
Im so glad i founf this website!! like so many have said before, i thought i was the only one feeling this way, i felt like i was the selfish and demanding one!!
Ive been with my head chef boyfriend now for 5 years, im 22 and he is 25 (yes childhood sweethearts) we have just purchased our first home together and oh my goodness, when i was still at my parents i still had human contact…. now at our home i have our 2 dogs!! i speak to them more then i speak to realy people!!! i miss him so much and when he gets home im either in bed or brushung my teeth and we never get to spend anytime with eachother…. mondays he has off but im at work!! every 2 months or so i explode and let everything out, i rarely complain or call and cry about not seeing him so he knows my once every 2months breakdown is a build up of missing him daily!!!
1 thing he always says that is sweet but now plays with my mind is ” i am working hard for our future” which is beautiful…. but what about the “present” … the “now” ???
i iwhs i had a dollar for everytime someone says “you are soooo lucky to have a chef as a partner!! you must have amazing dinners cooked for you all the time”….. yes toasted sandwiches ont he couch .. ALONE!!!!!!
Im just worried what im going to be like once we get married and have children… i dont want to become a bitter person towards the industry…. he loves what he does and seeing him happy makes me happy, i just wish we had more time together.
My sous and I have been together for 2 and a half years…his job is his wife and I am his mistress…we have been in counseling for 6 months trying to work things out…before I join this site, in a further attempt to find more solutions I wan to know if it is still being updated as the as the last things showing are from 2012…..
Hi there Michelle – I actually have to laugh as I know we significant others totally understand what your saying about his job is his wife and you are his mistress. I wish it wasn’t true, but so many of us are feeling this exact same way. You’re NOT alone. As for being updated, yes, it gets updated. My last blog post http://www.marriedtoachef.com/blog/ was on Valentines Day, and I’ve been a bit delayed to keep up as I am in my first trimester with my first child and have NOT had much energy to do much these days! I can feel my energy coming back so I predict to soon return to my regularly scheduled program of blog posts. If you join as a member, with a one time $15 contribution, you will be invited to our private Facebook group where there are hundreds of our fellow significant others who are regularly posting, sharing their experiences. If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to email me at info@marriedtoachef.com
I have been dating a restaurant owner for 18 months. Im divorced, 2 kids, he’s single…never been married, no kids. In fact this is his longest ever relationship and hes nearly 60. His restaurant is open 365 for breakfast lunch and dinner. IE Every waking hour. Its a fabulous french place that everyone loves…of course..including myself, thats how we met. I admire and respect his 7 day a week commitment. But it is his entire life. There is room for nothing else. The spark of our relationship is that every 2months, he takes me on fabulous trips.
But there’s no sense of daily life. My question to you all is: Why be in a relationship with someone if you are not sharing your life and spending time together. What is the point in spending every holiday, weekend, evening alone, without the person you love? The resentment builds up. I can see it in myself. If the customers always come first, it simply dosent feel good. Its not sexy and its not fun. No matter how busy you make yourself, you’re really just filling in the gaps because your love is not around. It might be better to be single. Or just be lovers and travel partners….thats where I’m headed…