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My ONE answer to how to connect in your restaurant relationship

August 6, 2014 in Life, Relationships, Restaurant Industry, VALUES

sacred time*photo credit – Cuddles on the Couch

Before you begin, start here.

So many times the NUMBER ONE question I get asked, about how to navigate through our restaurant relationships is…

“HOW do I find time to connect when we’re on opposite schedules, live in different cities, etc…?”

Back when my chef husband was my chef fiance, I discovered the answer to this important question, almost by accident.

My then chef fiancee was just promoted from Exec Sous to Exec Chef. After YEARS of putting his time in, he finally hit the jackpot.

Executive Chef-dom.

Which came with one HUGE perk… regular days off. Sunday/Monday were his regular days off. Which mean that I knew we could plan more things on his day off, even that quick 3.5 hour (one way) trip to and from his family on a Sunday (Gotta love a less than 24 hour trip because you have to work on Monday as a 9-5′r) Regardless, I LOVED knowing that I could count on this time.

Within a few short months, I discovered a pattern. Sunday and Monday evenings, I found us doing the same things, Sundays around 9pm, we’d meet on the couch for our favorite cable network TV shows (Homeland, True Blood, I honestly can’t remember what we were watching back in 2008/09) On Monday evenings, we’d continually find ourselves discussing what we were having for dinner, him making a delicious meal (of course that I’d then be cleaning up the entire contents of our kitchen) and we’d rent a movie On Demand (this was before redbox)

Sunday and Monday evenings. Became like clockwork. When he was asked to do something that would keep him out at these times, he would naturally decline. So would I. These short periods of time became VITAL to our connecting, when I work Monday and he’s usually out with his chef friends (or riding his Harley) on Sunday afternoons. Sunday and Monday evenings became OUR time.

SACRED.

I quickly discovered that these time slots in our busy, passing through the night schedules… allowed us to connect, to catch up, to be next to each other… and because we valued our INDEPENDENCE, it was just enough time to look forward to, that didn’t have us feeling like it was too much. *Ha… we’ve been together a LONG time, we both understand that it’s about quality, not quantity, at this point of our lives*

It was this time that really helped me NOT feel AS resentful about our limited amount of time together, for the rest of the week. I really was surprised how much it helped.

I surmised that it was this time that helped us moving forward. It felt SACRED. Sorta like when I was little, and I went to church every Sunday. It was something I could count on (even if I didn’t want to go, but that’s a different story) I know my Sunday mornings were church and breakfast with my family. I knew I couldn’t DO anything until mid-Sunday afternoon. It gave me a routine I could count on.

For most of us, significant others, we THRIVE on having something to count on, routine. (It’s because we’re the planners in our restaurant relationship, am I right?) *Again, calling EXCEPTION here.

So… what does this mean for you, my dear other half?

So my answer will ALWAYS be… to the question of how to find time to connect is to FIND SACRED TIME.

It does NOT have to be an all day affair. My own guess is that a minimum of ONE HOUR of sacred time a week… WILL help you feel grounded and rooted in your restaurant relationship. Whether it is sitting and having coffee at the table, going grocery shopping together (don’t laugh, I know some of you shop with your restaurant man/woman) or making a meal together (or going out to eat even) Something that is REGULAR, REPEATABLE, and is done with the energy of being VALUABLE.

I am not one to guarantee anything – Life is full of exceptions, and uncertainty….  but I will continue to answer that finding SACRED TIME in your restaurant relationship IS the one thing that will help connect you (and I’ll go so far as to help you THRIVE) in your restaurant relationship.

OOH… and for those of you not in the same city/country -  I have one word for you…. SKYPE. (or FaceTime) How about making your sacred time a regular Skype date? I can imagine how SEEING each other, your facial expressions, the way you blush when he tells you he can’t wait to see you next time.. WILL help you both feel connected. I challenge you, in todays technology age, on not finding some sacred time on the regular. Even if it’s just 30 minutes. (shoot, even 15!)

I have a feeling a question some of you might be asking is… “HOW do I get my restaurant man/woman to commit to SACRED TIME?”

Honestly.. I don’t have an answer for you on that. What works for one restaurant relationship will NOT work for another. For us, it just naturally happened, we didn’t say “Hey, how about Sunday and Monday evenings we get together and connect?” I think we both would agree that since our son, we are both DESPERATE for a date night (we’re working on it!), even though we still meet together on Sunday evenings for our regular TV shows. It just became that we both like doing this one thing, and doing it together feels better than doing it apart.

It just happened.

That’s what sort of makes it feel SACRED. It has become something we don’t even have to talk about, or bring to our awareness. It’s burned into our routine, that not doing it.. isn’t an option.

I just looked up SACRED in the dictionary – the definition that stands out, among the few that are there, are

“… reverently dedicated to some person, purpose, or object.”

Dedication is I think the word that stands out. It’s about DEDICATION. And even though I don’t KNOW you, or know your restaurant man/woman specifically… I know that DEDICATION is just another word for PASSION. You wouldn’t be in this kind of relationship if you didn’t have the passion and dedication… and your man/woman wouldn’t be in the restaurant industry if he/she too… didn’t have the same.

The trick, as I would believe it to be, is to find the mutual dedication to devote to this small amount of time, each week. Whenever it is toward your relationship.

MAYBE that is the topic of conversation that leads you to this conclusion. Your relationship… your love… your… DEDICATION to each other.

I am convinced that you start using the words SACRED TIME in your conversations with your other half, and the space for just that will make itself known. Maybe it’ll take a few adjustments, but like church, you don’t go if you don’t WANT TO (okay, so many of us were forced to, including myself, but you get my drift) but the hope is that it’ll help bring your commitment to what you believe in, even closer than where it is now.

Maybe for you, you will need to “schedule” this time with him/her. Maybe because he/she is spontaneous, you can steer your schedule so that it appears to happen, to him/her, to just pop up every week… who knows. If finding a regular time in your week to connect, SACRED TIME, sounds like a viable option (honestly, I say it’s THE KEY to thriving in this difficult relationship) – then TRUST YOURSELF and your man/woman that you will find a way to make it work.

So if/when you next find yourself reading the question, whether it be here, on the Facebook page, or in The Village, about how to connect… I will always answer the same way…

Where do you and your restaurant man/woman have SACRED TIME in your relationship?? If you don’t… how can you find it??? And now.

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But what if… it wasn’t their fault?

July 20, 2012 in Coping, Everybody Else, Expectations, Fears, Life, VALUES

 

Source: Uploaded by user via Mette on Pinterest

When will it be MY turn?

Ever say that to yourself? Come on… you can tell me. I know you have.

  • When will you make time for me/us? Your family?
  • When will you be off to see our little one grow up?
  • When will you be around to help me get the car fixed?
  • Why am I always the one doing all the errands and YOU get off doing nothing?
  • I have a job too… why are you so special?
  • Why do I still, after all these years, feel like the restaurant is WAY more important than me/us?

I know… most of you reading this can attest to saying these things at some point. I know, because I have seen enough evidence that it is most likely what spins in your mind, most of the time.

Whether you want it to or not.

Let’s just be honest… most of you still feel like you are a victim to your restaurant relationship, yes?

I just recently received an email from someone, having recently gotten married to a chef, is now waking up to the harsh reality that things have NOT changed (still waiting for that “Happily Ever After” to kick in) feeling really frustrated that things are even more ‘the same’ as they ever were.

Maybe you’re feeling the same way. Wondering what you got yourself into…

Doubting  yourself.

Never feeling like you have a say in his/her everyday decisions when their seemingly walking on auto-pilot… doing the same thing, day in and day out. Never stopping. Almost like in a trance.

I know. I want you to know I see you.

And I can admit it too, I’ve been there. I have my moments too.

It’s SO easy to blame them for the things that are clearly not working out, right? Easy to point the finger and feel justified that there isn’t anything you can do about it except continue to argue and stay angry for longer and longer periods of time.

I’ll admit it, it can seem to be. Sometimes it seems EASIER to just blame him/her or their career as the reason why I am unhappy.

“If only he/she would….. (have a regular day off/show me that he/she wants to be with me (our children) on their day off/show me that the restaurant isn’t the number one priority)… then I would be happy”

But that only last so long, right?

We can stay angry for so long, give the cold shoulder for so long then it seems to lose its steam until something changes and we pass by that moment and are into the next thing.

That’s how life works, right? Things keeps moving whether we want it to or not.

This happens to ALL of us. Me. You. Your family. EVERYONE.
It’s part of the human condition.

There is not ONE PERSON here that doesn’t have to continually work to manage these feelings.

Question is…

  • What if there is another way to manage this?
  • How willing are you to consider another way?

Hopefully you said that you are ready to consider another way.

I want to share with you THREE observations that I have seen as common threads between us, sharing how these three things have showed up in my own life, and then give some suggestions to make change in yours.

Okay… here we go.

1. Up to this point, we have NOT had a voice.

For longer than I can imagine… the things that have us stuck in our restaurant relationships have been going on. 30-40 years ago (shoot, hundreds of years ago) As long as there have been restaurants, there have been significant others feeling the EXACT same thing that we are now. That fact ALONE is pretty amazing to consider, right?  For decades, there have been wives/girlfriends, husbands and boyfriends who just had to deal with the ins and outs of this industry. There was no place for us to go to find relief.

That’s part of the reason why I created Married to a Chef. I tell people when they ask why I wanted to do this that I had a vision, before I even began, of a significant other, sitting alone and lonely, wondering when her chef was coming home… IN JAPAN. I knew that this was not just something happening to me in my life. I had an idea that it was happening to SO MANY of us and I thought why not attempt to connect us all.

Personally, I want to thank Hilary for her blog. Her courageous step to share her experience is what initially helped me realize that there WAS a need to find a way to support us in a bigger way. But before finding her, I thought I was ALONE. I had NO IDEA that there was others in the same boat as me.

That’s the thing… for so long we WERE alone.

Why am I saying this as number one?

Because OF COURSE you’re feeling this way! GO EASY ON YOURSELF! At this point you’ve been managing solo… with NO idea how things can be different. You didn’t even know that there were other women and men (I know you men are out there!) that are feeling the same way as you are. RIGHT? That’s why it’s SO important for you to realize, IN the moment of feeling angry, resentful, confused, that you are not the only one.

The underlying message about why you want things to be different is because we’re constantly comparing ourselves to our 9-5 friends and family… looking over at them and how they have the time to be together and that pushes on your button that says that because you don’t have that… that your relationship isn’t going to make it.

This is the number one thing that trips us up… STOP COMPARING YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO 9-5′rs. It’s NEVER going to be the same. Ever.

Doesn’t mean that your relationship isn’t VALUEable! Just means that you have to play by different rules.

**More importantly, learn that you CAN play by different rules. Eventually you’ll figure out that if you don’t find rules that work for YOU and your restaurant relationship… you’re never going to be able to enjoy where you ARE. *And let me tell ya, it can be very fun…being where you are.

2. Your restaurant man/woman is a part of something LARGER than him/herself.

Yep, it’s not like he or she created the rules. It’s not like they WANT it to be this way. NO.

This is what they, themselves, entered into. The long hours, the working to build a reputation… the fear that if they don’t show that their serious enough, that they’ll be forced out?

I am sure they also didn’t know what they were expecting when they were in culinary school. Does any of us? I know I didn’t.

They are doing the best job with what they have.

I bet if you ask them.. they’ll say “Hell no, I don’t WANT to be called into work at the 9th hour just to fix something. or NO… I would rather have a regular schedule than all over the place.”

Just like we have not always had a voice.. they have not created the system. That’s why this is MUCH bigger than your individual chef, restaurant man/woman. This is been a snowball running down hill for DECADES. Add to that the TOTAL misconception of the public when it comes to chefs and the restaurant industry all together, and it’s NO WONDER why we have workaholic, stressed out men and women in our lives who don’t know, THEMSELVES how to stop.

*Personally, this is why I DECLARE to you that it’s become part of my mission to get into culinary schools. TAP THE ROOT. (Mark my words on this – Most likely in 2013)

Yes, perhaps your restaurant man/woman could take more action in their life when it comes to being with family/their health (my next subject) or GOD FORBID, mowing the lawn, but whether they do or do not take action is determined on their awareness that there is something else to do.

Try asking him/her what they would change with regards to their own industry and how they do that, I’m sure they don’t even know where to begin.

Which brings me to my third and possibly, most agitating point. Get ready for some tough love, my STRONG significant others.. I know you can handle it.

3. What are YOU doing to take ACTION in your OWN life so that you can learn a new way of maneuvering this relationship?

Ever hear of the saying “If you point one finger at someone else, there are three fingers pointing back at you.”

Ouch, right? I know. Trust me, I feel the sting too.

I’m the first one to raise my hand that I need to take my own advice. When I’m SO QUICK to lash out at my husband for not taking care of something fast enough… I never stop to ask myself what I could be doing to help the situation NOT get to this point.

I know… we significant others are already handling so much, right? Now you want to add something else?

My answer to this is if ALL we do is constantly remember point 1 & 2… we will hopefully find a way to remove some of the frustration and resentment… ENOUGH to possibly/hopefully find another way to look at the situation.

If we were able to 1. Remember that “Up to now.. I really thought I was alone but now I know I’m not. That ALONE makes me feel better” and 2. Remember that he/she is a part of a LARGER system… I dare you to see how that might ease up on your frustrations.

Here’s the rub… We CANNOT can’t do this alone… We’ve tried it… it doesn’t work. By way of number 1… we NEED to lean on our own community to find support and relief. Whether that is via a reminder to calm the heck down and walk away from the situation for a moment, or WHEN to get help (ahem, work with me!)

I hope at whatever stage you are in your restaurant evolution, you’ll do whatever it takes to realize this. We might’ve not had a voice in the past but NOW WE DO... so the question now is, “How are we going to use our voices?”

To wrap, here are a few suggestions when you are really ready to put your energy to good use!

  • Find a significant other who lives close to you, and regularly get together with them. You know, the buddy system? When you’re feeling that urge to change the locks while he’s SO BUSY making sure everything runs smoothly, maybe it’ll help to have someone you can call closeby who DOES understand.
  • Figure out what it is that you want to do with YOUR OWN life. My guess is part of that “Why don’t they want to be home with me?” is the fact that they LOVE WHAT THEY DO (even if they are caught up in the larger system of it all) What is it that you LOVE to do? Are you doing it? If not, maybe this is a time for YOU to figure out how you can bring more passion in your own life. If it’s being a mom… how can you share that love and passion in a BIGGER way?
  • If you are the kind of person who really likes being pushed (ahem, raises hand) and likes looking inside to find the things that hold you back in your relationship – You can PARTNER WITH ME AS YOUR COACH and we can work through these things on a one on one basis.

Just so you know.. (or in case you didn’t know) It is I, Kerilyn Russo, who is running the show here at Married to a Chef, me…. ONE person (at this point) I have a BIG dream to reach out and connect with significant others all over the world, BOTH as your resident life coach and FELLOW Significant Other. I created this place for me too… I need support too. As a coach, I have learned HOW to move someone from where they ARE… to where they want to be. I’m sure you know that it’s much easier helping someone else as it is helping yourself, same goes for me. I have my OWN coaches (two at the moment) to help me moving forward. I do not think I’m better than you and let me tell you.. I do NOT have it all figured out by now. Just because I have a few tools/ tricks up my sleeve… doesn’t mean I don’t need someone to use those tricks on me. (*)

Sign up HERE to schedule a ‘FREE TASTE” (aka complimentary session)

Finally… if you ever need a reminder that you are strong enough not just to survive but THRIVE in your restaurant relationship – you email me/ Twitter me… whatever. I KNOW you have what it takes. I do. I know it takes a strong woman/man (again, men… I KNOW you’re out there!) to maneuver through this type of relationship. I DO NOT TAKE THAT STATEMENT LIGHTLY. I believe in you.

NOW GET OUT THERE AND SHOW THE WORLD THAT YOU KNOW YOU’VE GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO THRIVE IN THIS TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP!!!

(*) This is for the NAYSAYERS. I want to help you but I also want my OWN dreams and goals to come true. How I do that is with a FULL coaching practice.

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Taking the world by storm.Value Number Five – DYNAMISM

March 8, 2012 in Life, VALUES

batman and robin

 Photo Credit: Pinterest

I’m sure a lot of you were like…

HUH?

when I said that Dynamism is a Value in a thriving restaurant relationship.

You probably thought….

What the hell is Dynamism?

I know you know what it is….

That inner pull… a calling if you will… that sense that you KNOW what you want to do and you will STOP AT NOTHING to achieve it.

  • Chutzpah.
  • Drive bordering on obsession. Possibly a touch of insanity.
  • Balls.

It usually has something to do with feeling a larger purpose.

Usually it starts with a sentence like “I feel a calling to…..” (insert your word here)

It’s kinda your inner superhero.

- Scale tall buildings in a single bound.

- Move cross country to go to culinary school

- Open a restaurant with a bunch of friends because they all have the same philosophy in cooking.

Need I go on….

I would place wager that your restaurant man or woman had eaten from the tree of whatever DRIVES them to DO whatever they have to do – NO MATTER THE TIME/ENERGY/DISRUPTION, ETC…

This goes beyond Achievement.

It’s what makes your restaurant man/woman a little nutty for all the hours/projects they handle/situations they get themselves into while at the restaurant… while in full SuperHero mode.

WHY you wonder how he/she has the energy to keep going like they do… (You’ve probably thought to yourself “HOW does he/she do it?”)

Why they don’t seem to complain about doing a 15 hour day, and you’re looking at him/her like their crazy.

Why he doesn’t even seem to NOTICE the fact that he gets calls and texts in the middle of the night, and you want to pull your hair out.

REMEMBER THE BAT PHONE?

Exactly.

AND… at the same time.. the unnerving/agitating/aggravating… “Are you SERIOUS”/resentment forming kinda energy, after they come home.

After resuming Ordinary human mode.  Probably looking a little Clark Kentish. Disheveled. Exhausted. Worn. Achy.  Even a little confused.

It’s the POWER behind that calling that makes them so attractive AND at the same time, the biggest challenge to making this relationship work….

Their kinda like two different people.

At work… Extraordinary Superhero.

At home.. Ordinary man/woman.

Wonder why we never saw our superheroes married or with children??? HMMM??

Here’s the rub…

I gotta say it…. or else I’m going to EXPLODE!

Without these those other VALUES, these values that I am PRETTY SURE you have yourself… that you might not know you have…

your relationship will not thrive.

NOW… before you throw something at me. Please consider this.

You have these values.. you just don’t know you do.

YOU ARE SUPER WOMAN! *or SuperMan if you’re a dude reading this.

Don’t you GET this yet?

I see SO MANY of you feeling like your relationship is something you have NO control over.

While you cannot control the parameters of his job… the hours, the crazyness.

The fact that he basically dons a cape when walking out the door.

The fact that MOST PEOPLE only see the sexy side of this relationship.

He wouldn’t survive as a Superhero without having his OWN SUPERHERO to come home to!

That’s YOU!

Hopefully somewhere inside of you, you know this… (If not… PLEASE EMAIL ME because I’d be HAPPY to tell you this myself)

Now… do what you have to do to find your OWN mission.. your OWN purpose.

It’s time to find your own damn cape.

Cause here’s the thing… that SO MANY OF US  have no idea about….

YOU ARE DYNAMIC TOO!!!

YOU have the energy.. the balls… the guts… to

- be the BEST mother to your children that you can.

- listen to your dreams and make them come true!

ALL WHILE HAVING THE SUPERHERO UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT IT TAKES TO BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE WHO IS A SUPERHERO!!!

*YES, it sucks sometimes.. But so does being a SUPERHERO!*

You accepted your mission when you decided to connect with someone in the industry.

I GUARANTEE YOU that your restaurant man/woman can see your DYNAMIC self, shining through.

It’s YOU… who doesn’t see it!!!

For crying out loud…. WHAT IS IT GOING TO TAKE???

Maybe you don’t realize that by being WITH someone who is Dynamic.. that means that YOU TOO… are Dynamic too.

Dynamic people don’t all have to be extroverted, “Out there”, or LOUD.

There are PLENTY of Dynamic people who are quiet and stealthy…..  *It probably has it’s perks of going in under the radar*

Let me ask you -

Do you always do what it takes… no matter what the cost?

Do you exhert superhuman energy to make sure everything gets done?

Do you feel driven toward your own goals (even if you don’t know what they are.. you feel almost OBSESSED to find out what they are?)

My guess is yes.

*okay.. don’t get me started on that’s just what being a woman is about. Sorry guys.

You have the strength to get thru whatever comes your way. You just need to be reminded that you do.

THATS WHERE I COME IN.

I am a coach. I CAN help you get from where you are (not realizing your own VALUE/SUPERHERO-NESS) to where you want to be….)

I created this place for us to support each other.. but It also became the headquarters for my OWN SUPERHERO CALLING!

and PS: I’ve been called to do this since I was six years old. But that’s a subject for another day.

*Because damn it.. it’s my SUPERHERO POWER/OBSESSION to help you GET this!!! I will NEVER GIVE UP!

JOIN ME, WILL YOU?

If this sounds somewhat true.. or even if you want it to be true – JOIN US for the free call happening TODAY!!!! THURSDAY, MARCH 8th at 8pm EST. I’m going to send you a list of (100) other VALUES you could have as your Top 5.

JOIN US – FREE CALL! Understanding what you VALUE – Thursday, March 8th 8pm EST

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Carrying you, me and everyone else. Value Number Four – STRENGTH

March 1, 2012 in Life, VALUES

you can do anything but not everything

Photo Credit:  Pinterest

I want to go out on a limb with you and share what I think is a truth in your relationship…

I know there are ALL types of restaurant relationships reading this… chef with chef, owner with bartender, server with chef, chef with 9-5′r, chef with stay at home mom, etc…

I say what I’m about to say knowing ALL that.

Ready?

Your STRENGTH is what attracted your restaurant man/woman to you.

Hopefully you’re thinking “duh.. I already knew that.” *If so.. GOOD FOR YOU.*

But maybe you’re not.

Yup. YOUR strength.

First let’s share what STRENGTH really means, shall we?

‘The quality or state of being strong, moral power, firmness, COURAGE.”

Having STRENGTH, TRUE STRENGTH comes from INSIDE.

AN INVISIBLE FORCE.

Mind if I share with you a part of my FAVORITE poem? This poem was read at my wedding.. It encapsulates STRENGTH to me, in so many ways.

The Invitation
by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

“… It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can dissapoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your soul.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself and if
you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.”

THAT is what I predict your restaurant man/woman saw in YOU.

STRENGTH.

The strength to do what you have to do… to get “it” done. Whatever that is…

Cause let’s face it… they must KNOW, deep inside them that it’s going to take a special man/woman to face the challenges of this sort of relationship.

It doesn’t take long to bear witness to the strength of fortitude and conviction that your other half devotes his life to, day in and day out, at the restaurant.

You know it’s not easy, doing what they do. It’s why you’re their Number One Fan. You see them when their exhausted yet still giving their all.

You VALUE their strength.  But the rub is…

They value your STRENGTH too.

I GUARANTEE you, that somewhere inside him or her, they KNEW, probably from the beginning, that they were going to need someone with that SAME STRENGTH to help them get thru this.  They saw something in YOU that told them you’d do whatever it took. Most likely it wasn’t some outward sign of strength but an inner drive within you that told them that you had ‘it’ too.

YOU are STRONG. *ya hear me?

It’s NOT just your chef/ server/bartender/GM/ Sommelier, etc… who is the strong one!

It’s WHO YOU ARE… and it’s time you began to LIVE from that knowing.

Strength comes in ALL forms. Such as being the one who…

  • is the DRIVING force to both herself and those in her circle. Knows what he/she wants for her life and is going to do whatever it takes to make that happen, and EVERYONE around her/him knows it.
  • May be quiet, but has the unyielding determination to make their dreams come true, whether that’s to be the best mother you can be, or to find ACHIEVEMENT in your career, just as your restaurant man/woman has.
  • works hard to continually find the right ingredients (Sacred time, time alone,etc) that brings BALANCE to the relationship.

Since the restaurant industry, I’ve noticed (remember, I’m on the outside), is very much family oriented. Most likely they were looking for someone with the same sense of LOYALTY. You know, someone who will stay late to get past the late nite push?

Yea… most likely they see that SAME sense of LOYALTY in YOU.

Here’s the downside…

ARE YOU LISTENING, BECAUSE THIS IS IMPORTANT!

Because you ARE strong… because you will do whatever it takes… JUST like your restaurant man/woman does at work…

It can become SO EASY to take that for granted.

And not intentionally either. *okay, sometimes it happens.. but I’m not talking about that right now.*

Because we’re strong.. we can CARRY a lot. We know they work hard and so we take that into consideration… then we make adjustments to CARRY MORE AND MORE…

then they start handing us their stuff to carry, without even considering how much we’re already carrying.

**imagine your hands filled with ‘stuff’***

We do this because we’re STRONG. Sometimes we think we’re SO strong that we take on more than we can handle.

We don’t yell “UNCLE” when it becomes too much because we see that they do whatever it takes at work… why can’t we do the same at home…

And.. after a while of straining to carry everything in his, yours, possibly in your childrens life… it ends up causing… *say it with me*

RESENTMENT.

Yup. Resentment rears it’s ugly head every time.

UNTIL…

We learn to say “UNCLE!” sooner. (And mean it.)

Their not dumb. They most likely know that you are carrying a lot.

But since you’re not shouting uncle and then following up with putting the things down you cannot carry – How are they to really know you’ve hit your tipping point?

At work they probably are carrying as many things as you are, and don’t even tell you.

Enough about that. Bottom line…

They know you are as strong as they are.

(they just might not share it with you like I am with you here.)

And that.. my AMAZING Other Halves.. is why a thriving restaurant relationship VALUES STRENGTH.

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My LAST installment about VALUES is up this Sunday. If you like what you are reading, join me and a handful of your fellow Other Halves for a FREE CALL next Thursday March 8th at 8pm EST where we’re going to discuss what we’ve talked about here, as well as what other possible VALUES you might share.  (BONUS: On the day of the call, I’m going to send you a list of 100 other values that you and your restaurant man/woman could have as your Top 5)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

JOIN US – FREE CALL! Understanding what you VALUE – Thursday, March 8th 8pm EST

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The Cherry on Top. Value Number Three – ACHIEVEMENT

February 20, 2012 in Life, VALUES

From Beth at 'it is what it is'

*Before I begin…is this not the CUTEST idea EVER? answer: YES! Click photo to go to Beths website.

SO…. is any of this Value talk relating?

Is any of this making sense to you? Do you find your sense of independence something that’s VERY important to you? (Do you get upset really easily if you are alone on the regular?) Is the fact that your other half is totally opposite making you CRAZY or is it something that brings you peace? Yes. No? If so… care to SHARE? Why not mosey on down and write a comment? I’d love to hear your thoughts…

Todays VALUE is probably what immediately attracted you to your restaurant man/woman? It was this that creates a sparkle in his/her eye. It’s the OBSESSION, the DRIVE…the “doing what I gotta do” in order to feel this value. Either YOU have it yourself or you enjoy watching someone who has it in abundance.

I’m talking about ACHIEVEMENT.

It’s inevitable. To succeed in the restaurant industry you gotta have DRIVE. You have to have the WILL to keep up with the fast pace. This isn’t a career for those who want to sit all day. (NOT that there is anything wrong with that, ahem, that’s what most 9-5′rs do, including me) It’s most likely this sense of being good with their hands, and quick on their feet. It’s the sense of keeping their “Eye on the Prize” and not letting anything get in their way.

The restaurant moves fast. It’s a very reputation based industry. Always wondering if he/she have ‘what it takes’ to ‘make it’. I have NO idea to what degree they instill this trait (or weed out those who don’t have it) while still in culinary school, but those that leave school and start their first job on the line, learn VERY FAST if they have this trait or not. (and if they don’t, there is NOTHING *wrong* with that,ya hear me?)

We love to be near those that exhibit a sense of achievement.

ACHIEVEMENT is a VALUE that I think we’re either drawn to for ourselves or we find it very attractive in others.

It’s the reason why competition is attractive. Why we gauge our success or failure on how much we ACHIEVE. Who is the strongest/fastest/etc…? *My thoughts go to the Coliseum in Roman times with lions and bulls. The matador that lost, walked out alone and that who won… took home the girl.

Most likely, your restaurant man/woman has a STRONG sense of ACHIEVEMENT. They work hard, they work long hours and they don’t complain about it.

*I recently polled the significant others to see if their other halves ever complained about the long hours, 99% of them, not surprisingly, said NO.

They don’t complain because what’s driving them underneath it all is a strong sense of ACHIEVEMENT.

And you… either have that yourself or are their biggest cheerleader… standing on the sidelines, holding a sign…

You want them to ACHIEVE, to reach the pinnacle in the industry. Whether that’s…

  • owning their own restaurant
  • getting on TV
  • writing a cookbook
  • ALL OF THE ABOVE

Let’s face it. Achievement is SEXY.

Its what makes the books full of reservations, people waiting in line to have their book signed, articles written, and what keeps people glued to who is going to be the next Top Chef. (for example) We all are attracted to it.

*And… we give ourselves permission to CELEBRATE when we ACHIEVE our goals. (See how this is all connected, ladies and gents?)

For a second, I want to talk more in depth, about the two ways in which WE partner with them in achievement.

1. WE have our own goals and dreams that we are working on.

We have our own dreams and it’s conducive to be with someone who is always actively working on theirs. As their partner, you pow wow with them, they relax that you are off, paving the way to the dreams and successes that you want for your OWN life. SO many significant others that I’ve talked with feel this type of relationship helps them feel less guilty, less SELFISH about working on their own goals. Having a partner that is driven to succeed only inspires him/her to work harder and since their other half is never going to complain about the long hours, work involved… this other half feels secured that their wife/girlfriend, boyfriend/husband KNOWS that they are being thought of and will come together again strengthened by what inspires them to ACHIEVE.

2. WE are their biggest FAN.

Maybe you haven’t figured out what IT is that you want to do with your life yet and until you do, you will use the WAVE of their own ACHIEVEMENT to help move your forward and feel inspired. It’s like just being around them and their desire to ACHIEVE allows you to continually feel ‘tapped into’ the energy that accomplishing something brings. Examples of how this shows up in our relationships are

  • Whether we’re alone or with friends, we’ll regularly go to the restaurant to eat to have a chance to see them so they’ll feel our support, whether we’re spending quality time together or not. *EVEN if we know we’ll see them for a minute or two. It’s the thought that counts.
  • We’ll help them with their dreams. If it’s having food they like at home so when they are off and yearning to make something, they’ll have the ingredients at hand.
  • We get the word out – If they have a cooking class, or are in a publication, etc… WE are right there.. telling everyone around us so they will know to support him too. News spreads and you take it upon yourself to get the word out as FAR REACHING as you can.
  • We go out of our way to let them know we support them and their sexy selves in their chef coats or 3 piece suits or cafe aprons…
  • WE voluntarily choose the short end of the stick sometimes – We sometimes put ourselves lower on the priority list when we see how what they’re doing makes them happy. That’s okay sometimes when we see them in the midst of a project and you can see the finish line ahead.

But we gotta be careful of continual SSS = short stick syndrome (I just made that up.. you like it? I do.)

The flip side to valuing ACHIEVEMENT is…

TUNNEL VISION.

Yep. My guess is that par and parcel of wanting to achieve is this sense that that is the ONLY thing that’s to be focused on. It’s so easy for all of us to lose track of our surroundings when we are SO driven to reach our goal. Whether that is our health, our spirituality, our own personal development, our vision for a future family… it can be SO easy to miss out on what we’re missing. It’s like everything else gets blurry and the only thing in focus is that which we want to achieve.

For our restaurant men and women, it’s easy to lose track of whats around them, when they’re dropped in the middle of a speeding bus.. and they are the only one that knows how to steer it, what direction it needs to go, and where the brake pedal is. (Or, are resistant to teach someone else how to steer it OR hand over the steering wheel, which also happens a lot when one values ACHIEVEMENT) And.. if they have close friends in the industry, partners in a project, other restaurant men/women they collaborate with – that sense of achievement multiplies by association and it can be difficult to tear them away from that if they are joined with someone else.

And…you know what prolonged tunnel vision/SSS causes, right? (say it with me now…)

RESENTMENT.

And, I already discussed with you that from my poll I took early on, this is the NUMBER ONE thing most significant others feel. See here and here. (Whether they keep it to themselves or share it is another thing.)

MARK MY WORDS – It inevitably comes out somehow.

Yep. It always goes back to resentment in the end, doesn’t it?

THIS is where BALANCE comes into play… and INDEPENDENCE and any and all other VALUES that speak to you. All these things are like ingredients in a recipe. At different times, the measures might change (like when having children.. we might not have but a pinch of independence but a LOT of balance) -  but we need to include these things and to keep working out when one needs a greater helping at times then at others.

Because you know what – my kindred comrades… if we STAY in RESENTMENT… our relationship is not going to thrive long term and like either a busted oven or a broken timer.. it’s going to end up BURNT AND EDIBLE and we’ll be past the point of wondering what we can do to salvage it.

Caveat: In NO way am I saying it’s realistic to say that resentment can completely be removed. It is what it is. It’s life. Sometimes. we want something and cannot explain or express to another person, to be on the same EXACT page as us, ALL the time. It’s MANAGING that resentment, digging down to the ROOT of what initially caused it, that gives way to a flow of wellness that allows for our relationships to thrive and grow.

SO… to wrap up – Achievement is something that most likely attracted you to your restaurant man/woman. It’s what makes restaurant owners open their second and third restaurant. What allows for collaborators to create restaurant groups. etc… What makes wineries create a new varietal. It’s that knowing that it’s going to get done.. no matter what it takes. We all have that desire to achieve in the fiber of our being… it’s when we can see achievement in action that it reminds us of our potential and sometimes is the impetus to create great things.

How does your own sense of achievement show up in your restaurant relationship? What’s the best part of achievement? What’s the worst?

JOIN US – FREE CALL! Understanding what you VALUE – Thursday, March 8th 8pm EST

Once you sign up, I will send you a list (on the day of the call) of 100+ other potential VALUES you and your restaurant man might find important and we will be discussing all that I’ve shared here and share an opportunity to regularly get together to help each other with our OWN goals and dreams.

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