Married to a Chef

Bar at the El Mo by Kenneth Moyle (http://kenneth.moyle.ca)

Before I launch into this topic, I know that many of us are dealing with this subject RIGHT NOW, either you are new to this type of relationship and had no idea what was in store, or don’t know what to do about it now that you do.

You’re not alone, it is my hope that by even broaching this subject (that is NOT talked about much or at all), that it comforts so many of us that are faced with this but have NO idea who to turn to.

*And If this isn’t something you’ve dealt with before, consider yourself lucky.

We already know that most people, the ones on the outside of this type of relationship, have NO idea what it’s really like. They have no idea about the long hours, the sleeping and eating alone and the fact that we pretty much handle most (ahem,ALL) of the coordinating, shopping and care taking (of the children, the house, etc) by ourselves. They probably don’t even consider that there IS someone at home, waiting for them, after they’ve filled their bellies and are good and satisfied.

On the off chance that they do think about it, their thoughts probably revolve around how COOL it would be to be married to a chef/GM/bartender,etc…having an ‘all access pass’ to restaurants, this allure of a sexy lifestyle, because of what the media has made it out to be.

That’s probably about it.

The one thing that I know most people have NO idea about, not just because they are oblivious to it but it’s not something we (on the inside) talk about is how often those late nites are not because of them still being on the line, but at a bar. After work, grabbing a drink with fellow servers, managers, bartenders, and chefs, as a way of winding down and decompressing from being constantly ‘ON’, standing on their feet for 10-15 hours a day.

To tell you the truth, I have NO idea how they do it.

I KNOW I couldn’t do what they do. I KNOW after a few days of that kind of day, I’d have to find a way to unwind after work. As someone whose 9-5 is in front of a computer all day, I cannot even fathom the fast paced and pressure filled environment, day in and day out.

Now that I’m a bit seasoned as a significant other to someone in this industry, I’ve come to understand, that due to their nocturnal lifestyle, the temptations that come with this high stress, always moving, never stopping career choice, that there are those who might turn to alcohol or dare I say…drug use as a way of forcing them to unwind and slow down. Do I agree with it? NO. But as most things in life, this subject isn’t a black or white one.

After all this time I can say, I finally get it.

I remember, QUITE a few years back, catching some program on TV with Anthony Bourdain talking about those early years, as a rising chef in NYC… how after work (at like midnight or later), he would go to some private VIP back room of some bar or restaurant, and share a delicious meal with a few other chefs and GMs, they would catch up about how that nights service was over a few rounds of shots and drinks and would inevitably come stumbling home,  a few hours later. I remember thinking…

“Holy S^#T, so this isn’t just my chef and his friends doing this.”

I had NO idea that this was part of it. I wasn’t part of the industry, how was I supposed to know?

That’s the thing… unless your IN it or you have experienced it, you have NO IDEA what to expect.

Now that I look back on that time of our relationship when it affected me the most (he had just moved to the area to be with me and started working at a prestigious fine dining restaurant) I can say that maybe I was naive, for I’ve never been a big drinker AT ALL so it’s never been something that’s on my mind, but at the time, I thought that what I was experiencing was BAD.

*For the record, I’m NOT trying to rat my now chef husband out, but I’m sharing this in case you find yourself in a similar experience…in an attempt to help others not feel so alone. I’ve gotten his permission to share our experiences.

What seemed to ME to be on a regular basis, my then chef boyfriend would inevitably call me after he gets off the line (round 11:30ish) and say that he’s going over to one of a handful of bars that usually all of the chefs met at. At the time, we lived together, and when he called he would tell me not to wait up. Inevitably, hours later I would hear him come in and shortly after, get in bed with me, only to smell of whatever he drank that night.

I was angry, concerned for his well being, and if I was being honest, also worried that this is what my life would be like if I decided to stay. It absolutely made me feel like I had no control. I felt like I had NO say when he called to tell he he was going out. I was worried about him and his safety. I missed him in the evenings, going to bed alone, knowing he was going out to with his chef friends. I was resentful. I felt like he chose them over me.

I didn’t know.

In that moment of watching that show with Chef Bourdain, It was like a light went on for me.

It doesn’t mean that it’s BAD.. that something is wrong with him or us.

Whether we like it or not, this is a PART of being in the industry.  The degree to which they partake is on an individual basis (I know that this can QUICKLY spiral out of control and become a SERIOUS problem for so many in the industry), but I’d guess that at one time or another, your restaurant man/woman have spent a bit of time burning the midnight oil at a bar, drinking with their fellow restaurant comrades.

They lead more of a nocturnal life than most of us do. How can we understand it when it’s not something we DO.

I know that my husband just doesn’t understand the concept of sitting at a desk ALL DAY LONG for my job.  He doesn’t understand. For him it’s a good day if he gets to sit down and enter invoices or to do his ordering for an hour.

Again, I’m NOT condoning drinking, drinking & driving or drug use of any kind. Please hear me when I say that. (To the contrary, I’m quite conservative on my drinking and drugs stance) I’m just saying that because I had never been in the restaurant industry, I didn’t know that this a is part of their ritual. Come to find out that most of the time he would go out, have one or two beers, talk about that nights service (probably laugh it up about the high maintenance table who brought back their ribeye three times), and then make his way home… (I say MOST of the time, there were also those nights when he came home in a cab or I got the 3am phone call to come get him. yea, good times. Thankfully that doesn’t happen much anymore.)

Back then, what I didn’t know was…

It wasn’t about the drinking, it was about having a way to decompress and unwind, but more importantly… to commune.

I don’t know when I heard it or from who, but I remember someone telling me…

“You go out to dinner with your girlfriends after work, right? You grab dinner, and maybe on a Friday, have a few drinks after work and catch up?” …well, they want to go out after work too.. unfortunately the only thing that is OPEN when they get off of work is a bar.”

Whoever said that was right. Part of how I maintain my friendships is with after work jaunts to local restaurants and catch up on what’s new and exciting. The latest gossip, etc…

Why would it be any different for these restaurant men and women?

To some degree, I feel like the bonds between those in the restaurant industry are stronger and tighter than that in the corporate world. It’s an intense world, always being “ON”, trying to make delicious food to satisfy your customers, make your numbers so you can make the owners happy for another quarter. Why wouldn’t that lend itself to really leaning on each other when the going gets tough, they find themselves ‘in the weeds’ and need to really push through a busy dinner service. It’s kinda like going into battle, or being a player on a football team headed for the Superbowl, I would think.  Bring your best, prepare for it ALL, and know you’re not going down without a fight. I think if I had to do that every night, I would feel connected to those in the trenches with me.

SO, How do I handle this?? 

Honestly, it’s really up to YOU about how you handle it. There are SO MANY FACTORS that consider, and NO ONE WAY is the right way. 

 - What is your experience with alcohol? How comfortable do YOU feel when drinking/ others are drinking? (Maybe you grew up that drinking too much/getting drunk was “bad”. Maybe it’s a way that you, too, unwind after a particularly stressful day. Maybe you don’t mind infrequent nocturnal jaunts with his buddies, then maybe you’ll feel differently)

 - What is your level in investment when dealing with the possiblity that he/she will eventually have too many drinks after work, at some point? Do you get pissed and give him the cold shoulder or do you see that as an “in” to find out how his day was/make you two closer? What happens if he/she calls and cannot drive home? How do you react to that situation? What if he/she DOES drive home?? How do you handle THAT? (There is NO right answer here, again, it’s personal preference)

 - How do you handle the possibility that YOU might think they are drinking too much, you’re worried about them but THEY are not doing anything about it? In other words, WHAT ARE YOUR LIMITATIONS? How far are you willing to go? How many times do you have to talk to them (argue) about it before you will no longer accept this?

I know there are so many of us whose other halfs evening festivities to quickly spin out of control and on a regular basis. I personally do not feel like I can speak about regular alcohol and drug abuse in general but to validate that it happens, and it’s usually a topic that noone feels comfortable talking about. If so, PLEASE KNOW you are not alone. TRUST YOURSELF. If you think there is a problem, if something feels off, IT PROBABLY IS.  

You HAVE a choice. You can choose to deal with this or not. Noone is going to fault you if you choose not to. As many people that are reading this right now are how many different situations there are surrounding drugs/alcohol. Let me repeat again – there is no ONE way to deal with this.

This is where YOUR strength is… This is where you have to learn to TRUST YOURSELF. Only YOU KNOW where your limits are. 

So let me ask you… (to lighten the topic)

How many of you have been privy to having dinner with a group of chefs & restaurant people?

If you have, you’ll catch a glimpse into what I think happens in the early mornings. I’ve sat quiet while a group of chefs talked (at length) about the difference between white and black napkins. Debating the pros and cons of it. Do I have anything to contribute to this topic? NO.  Maybe that’s part of why the early morning gatherings are so important, I mean..

They work such odd hours, WHEN do they have time to talk about such topics? Yes, that one drink to decompress can absolutely be taken overboard. With this being such a high stress profession, it makes sense to me (whether I agree with it or not) that others would seek outside substances to help them SLOW DOWN.

THANKFULLY, in my case, it was just a phase. As soon as my now husband changed restaurants, became an Executive Chef (from a Sous) the fact that he had WAY more responsibility, that he had to be as ON his game as he was able, meant cutting down on the late night sessions and throwing back a few Crown on the rocks. (My husbands drink of choice) Does he still do it from time to time? YES. I try to understand, he needs this. Now that we’re married, I sometimes get the call at 10:30pm on a Friday or Saturday nite, wanting to see if I want to meet him at the little bar up the street, a few blocks away, to meet for a beer. Somehow I’ve become his drinking buddy. Secretly, I love that he’s calling me now. Even though I’m not a drinker, I’ll sit there and ask him how his day was… and I watch him unwind a bit as he throws a beer or two back.  *8 times out of 10, I usually meet him. It’s kinda makes me fall in love with him more.

I hope this helps you know that it’s something that MOST (not all) of us have faced at one point or another. Maybe it’s early in his career, maybe it’s when he gets that promotion… who knows. Again, there are MANY different scenerios here. All I do know is you HAVE to trust YOURSELF!

I’ve come to understand it’s a rite of passage, a building of their tribe, that tight knit circle that even years later, I still do not feel like I am entirely a part of. I have accepted it as a part of what I VALUE in my relationship. He never tells me I cannot go out with my girlfriends after work.

After all these years, I think I’d like to keep it that way.

PS: **For those of you who find yourself in a situation with your other half drinking more than you know how to handle, PLEASE know there is HELP. Please check out  the following resources for finding help:

• Al-Anon
• Alcoholics Anonymous

confessions by Bea Correa

Okay so, this is going to be a post of a different sort. I have been resisting doing this because of how I wanted this site and myself to be perceived, but it’s come to a head that until I share with you an underlying core belief about myself, you’re never going to get the best of me and that’s NOT what I want.

You see, I have been feeling really blocked lately about what to write here. I have ALL these ideas, all these topics, and ALL these possible solutions for us all to try out but I keep being faced with the same voice in my head (no, I swear I’m not crazy) and I figure I gotta honor that voice, not listen to what everyone else thinks I should do and spill the thing that holds me back from really making this site be what I KNOW it can.

Of COURSE, sharing what I’m about to pushes on my fear. The message of fear that says “They don’t care that you’re feeling this way!” and “You’re going to lose credibility if you share this” and you know, it’s true, I might. But I can’t go forward with my sincerest intentions for you, to feel heard and seen in what can absolutely be a very isolating type of relationship, without honoring where I am first.

So here it goes….

I created this site because I wanted to find you. I wanted to reach out and connect with others who are feeling the same way. Those first few years, dating my now husband were REALLY confusing. I had NO idea what to expect, and NO ONE who could understand what I was going thru.

• The feeling on the outside when I was around his friends because I wasn’t in the industry.
• The frustration because he came home at 5am, without a phone call telling me he was okay and on top of it he’s trashed out of his mind.
• The going to most shin digs by myself because he was working.
• Going to bed alone.
• Spending most of the weekend alone.
• The spending his weekend day off with his chef friends than with me.
• Getting that phone call at 11:30pm to see if I’d go pick him up or the only time I would be able to spend time with him is at midnight (I’m NOT a night person)
• The “What do you want me to do about it, this is my schedule!”
• Having my birthday happen to be New Years Eve and EVERY YEAR, I cannot spend with my boyfriend because it’s THEE busiest day of the year (side note: I LOVE my birthday)
• And let me not leave out, the fact that there are always a new crop of pretty servers/bartenders/etc that would LOVE to hook up with the chef.

Oh yea, I’ve dealt with the SAME things most likely so many of you are dealing with.

Let’s not leave out the awesome things too…

• Taking your parents to his restaurant and feeling such a sense of pride when the whole experience is MORE than you could’ve imagined (And BONUS: It’s SERIOUSLY discounted or FREE!)
• Having him make you a whole meal based on your favorite ingredient.
• Having anyone you talk to (even strangers) perk up when you mention that your boyfriend is a chef (their immediate question is ‘where?”)

There absolutely is the good stuff too.

It took my husband and I TEN years to get to a place where I knew I had what it took to be with him in the long haul. If you ask my husband or read the Washington Post article that features our wedding, he’ll tell you he ALWAYS knew that we were meant to be together. He would always tell me that. It was nice to hear but my truth is that

I DIDN’T KNOW THAT.

I absolutely did not know that I had what it took to make this type of relationship last. I had so much doubt, resentment and NO information to go on that yea… I didn’t feel confident AT ALL that this was the man I was supposed to marry. YEARS of the following: being with each other; something would happen (usually around me not dealing with his hours or feeling like I needed MORE) and we would spend months apart. I would date other people (he would probably start dating the servers..kidding) and after a few months, we’d miss each other and start hanging out again. This cycle would keep happening.

Did I love him? Yes. No question. But I kept feeling like I couldn’t handle all the baggage that came with him being in this industry. I wanted to know what it was like to come home after work and my boyfriend was there, I wanted to have a date to my companies Christmas party and even more than that… my BIRTHDAY!

So, after one huge blowout argument we had while driving in his car, I told him once and for all that I was moving on. I couldn’t do this anymore. I think he knew too, that I was struggling with what came with his career choice, because he sorta let me go in that moment. (Okay, because he always *knew* that we were meant to be, he never TRULY let me go but I think he understood that I had to experience something else)  We stopped seeing each other and within a few months, I was dating someone else…

a 9-5′r.

At first I LOVED it. LOVED. IT. I thought “See, I was right… I can’t DO that type of relationship. I am glad I trusted my gut”. I loved being able to go strawberry picking on Saturdays and getting out of town for the whole entire weekend instead of leaving LATE Saturday nite so we could bust out a family visit in 24 hours.

I’ll admit it, I missed having the ‘in’ when going to a certain restaurant and I missed how awesome it was when I did get to spend time with my ex. I did love him, that was NOT the issue. But this is what I wanted… I wanted to NOT have to deal with all that… crap. Or so I thought…

Of COURSE it’s ironic that as soon as he and I split ways, he soon after changed restaurants to one that had a more regular schedule, a more family atmosphere and allowed him to focus on his personal life. As I said in the article, I KNEW that as soon as I moved on.. REALLY moved on, he would become “ready”. (It’s all about timing, ain’t it?) He became ‘ready’ alright and he came for me with a fierceness. It was like he was saying, “Okay, I get it.. I couldn’t give you what you wanted, NOW I CAN, so come on.”

It was overwhelming, to tell you the truth. Here I am stuck between two worlds that both had things to offer me.  ALL those years of having to just deal with his schedule and the things that came with being with someone in the industry, and now he’s got a somewhat regular schedule, regular days off, and he wants me to just drop where I am.

INSTEAD THIS TIME, IT’S ME WHO ISN’T “READY”.

I had been enjoying the life that being with a 9-5′r  entailed, AND, although he changed his restaurant, I was still not convinced that we were meant to be. I told him this on many occasions but he was persistent (He’s a Taurus, what can you say? Strong willed, stubborn, yea. ***) I needed time to figure this out for myself. So I told him the ONLY way I could (read the Post article to find out what I said) so I could truly see if I was right about what I was craving for. Consistency and stability. It worked, he moved on and I was able to give 100% to my 9-5′r relationship.

Unfortunately it didn’t take too long to realize that something BIG that was missing….

ME.

**I know this is running LONG so I’m making this a two parter and honestly, what I really have to say is still coming, so PLEASE stay tuned.***

I know so many of you are reading this and thinking “Holy Crap! That’s exactly what I’m going thru!” And yea… I know it is.  It may be a different restaurant, different cuisine, and a different part of the country (or WORLD for that matter) but basically when it comes down to it… it’s all the same day in and day out stuff for all of us. If this makes sense to you, please feel free to share your story.

And if you don’t feel like sharing, please know that you’re NOT crazy for feeling the way you’re feeling. I hope that by sharing my inner frustrations, resentments and fears, that I can show you that it’s COMMON for us to feel similarly.

*** NO offense to Taurus’ out there, but if you know yourself even a little bit, you know that being strong willed and stubborn is both your blessing and your curse.

CLICK HERE TO READ PART TWO!