by Kerilyn Russo

The Cherry on Top. Value Number Three – ACHIEVEMENT

February 20, 2012 in Life, VALUES by Kerilyn Russo

From Beth at 'it is what it is'

*Before I begin…is this not the CUTEST idea EVER? answer: YES! Click photo to go to Beths website.

SO…. is any of this Value talk relating?

Is any of this making sense to you? Do you find your sense of independence something that’s VERY important to you? (Do you get upset really easily if you are alone on the regular?) Is the fact that your other half is totally opposite making you CRAZY or is it something that brings you peace? Yes. No? If so… care to SHARE? Why not mosey on down and write a comment? I’d love to hear your thoughts…

Todays VALUE is probably what immediately attracted you to your restaurant man/woman? It was this that creates a sparkle in his/her eye. It’s the OBSESSION, the DRIVE…the “doing what I gotta do” in order to feel this value. Either YOU have it yourself or you enjoy watching someone who has it in abundance.

I’m talking about ACHIEVEMENT.

It’s inevitable. To succeed in the restaurant industry you gotta have DRIVE. You have to have the WILL to keep up with the fast pace. This isn’t a career for those who want to sit all day. (NOT that there is anything wrong with that, ahem, that’s what most 9-5′rs do, including me) It’s most likely this sense of being good with their hands, and quick on their feet. It’s the sense of keeping their “Eye on the Prize” and not letting anything get in their way.

The restaurant moves fast. It’s a very reputation based industry. Always wondering if he/she have ‘what it takes’ to ‘make it’. I have NO idea to what degree they instill this trait (or weed out those who don’t have it) while still in culinary school, but those that leave school and start their first job on the line, learn VERY FAST if they have this trait or not. (and if they don’t, there is NOTHING *wrong* with that,ya hear me?)

We love to be near those that exhibit a sense of achievement.

ACHIEVEMENT is a VALUE that I think we’re either drawn to for ourselves or we find it very attractive in others.

It’s the reason why competition is attractive. Why we gauge our success or failure on how much we ACHIEVE. Who is the strongest/fastest/etc…? *My thoughts go to the Coliseum in Roman times with lions and bulls. The matador that lost, walked out alone and that who won… took home the girl.

Most likely, your restaurant man/woman has a STRONG sense of ACHIEVEMENT. They work hard, they work long hours and they don’t complain about it.

*I recently polled the significant others to see if their other halves ever complained about the long hours, 99% of them, not surprisingly, said NO.

They don’t complain because what’s driving them underneath it all is a strong sense of ACHIEVEMENT.

And you… either have that yourself or are their biggest cheerleader… standing on the sidelines, holding a sign…

You want them to ACHIEVE, to reach the pinnacle in the industry. Whether that’s…

  • owning their own restaurant
  • getting on TV
  • writing a cookbook
  • ALL OF THE ABOVE

Let’s face it. Achievement is SEXY.

Its what makes the books full of reservations, people waiting in line to have their book signed, articles written, and what keeps people glued to who is going to be the next Top Chef. (for example) We all are attracted to it.

*And… we give ourselves permission to CELEBRATE when we ACHIEVE our goals. (See how this is all connected, ladies and gents?)

For a second, I want to talk more in depth, about the two ways in which WE partner with them in achievement.

1. WE have our own goals and dreams that we are working on.

We have our own dreams and it’s conducive to be with someone who is always actively working on theirs. As their partner, you pow wow with them, they relax that you are off, paving the way to the dreams and successes that you want for your OWN life. SO many significant others that I’ve talked with feel this type of relationship helps them feel less guilty, less SELFISH about working on their own goals. Having a partner that is driven to succeed only inspires him/her to work harder and since their other half is never going to complain about the long hours, work involved… this other half feels secured that their wife/girlfriend, boyfriend/husband KNOWS that they are being thought of and will come together again strengthened by what inspires them to ACHIEVE.

2. WE are their biggest FAN.

Maybe you haven’t figured out what IT is that you want to do with your life yet and until you do, you will use the WAVE of their own ACHIEVEMENT to help move your forward and feel inspired. It’s like just being around them and their desire to ACHIEVE allows you to continually feel ‘tapped into’ the energy that accomplishing something brings. Examples of how this shows up in our relationships are

  • Whether we’re alone or with friends, we’ll regularly go to the restaurant to eat to have a chance to see them so they’ll feel our support, whether we’re spending quality time together or not. *EVEN if we know we’ll see them for a minute or two. It’s the thought that counts.
  • We’ll help them with their dreams. If it’s having food they like at home so when they are off and yearning to make something, they’ll have the ingredients at hand.
  • We get the word out – If they have a cooking class, or are in a publication, etc… WE are right there.. telling everyone around us so they will know to support him too. News spreads and you take it upon yourself to get the word out as FAR REACHING as you can.
  • We go out of our way to let them know we support them and their sexy selves in their chef coats or 3 piece suits or cafe aprons…
  • WE voluntarily choose the short end of the stick sometimes – We sometimes put ourselves lower on the priority list when we see how what they’re doing makes them happy. That’s okay sometimes when we see them in the midst of a project and you can see the finish line ahead.

But we gotta be careful of continual SSS = short stick syndrome (I just made that up.. you like it? I do.)

The flip side to valuing ACHIEVEMENT is…

TUNNEL VISION.

Yep. My guess is that par and parcel of wanting to achieve is this sense that that is the ONLY thing that’s to be focused on. It’s so easy for all of us to lose track of our surroundings when we are SO driven to reach our goal. Whether that is our health, our spirituality, our own personal development, our vision for a future family… it can be SO easy to miss out on what we’re missing. It’s like everything else gets blurry and the only thing in focus is that which we want to achieve.

For our restaurant men and women, it’s easy to lose track of whats around them, when they’re dropped in the middle of a speeding bus.. and they are the only one that knows how to steer it, what direction it needs to go, and where the brake pedal is. (Or, are resistant to teach someone else how to steer it OR hand over the steering wheel, which also happens a lot when one values ACHIEVEMENT) And.. if they have close friends in the industry, partners in a project, other restaurant men/women they collaborate with – that sense of achievement multiplies by association and it can be difficult to tear them away from that if they are joined with someone else.

And…you know what prolonged tunnel vision/SSS causes, right? (say it with me now…)

RESENTMENT.

And, I already discussed with you that from my poll I took early on, this is the NUMBER ONE thing most significant others feel. See here and here. (Whether they keep it to themselves or share it is another thing.)

MARK MY WORDS – It inevitably comes out somehow.

Yep. It always goes back to resentment in the end, doesn’t it?

THIS is where BALANCE comes into play… and INDEPENDENCE and any and all other VALUES that speak to you. All these things are like ingredients in a recipe. At different times, the measures might change (like when having children.. we might not have but a pinch of independence but a LOT of balance) -  but we need to include these things and to keep working out when one needs a greater helping at times then at others.

Because you know what – my kindred comrades… if we STAY in RESENTMENT… our relationship is not going to thrive long term and like either a busted oven or a broken timer.. it’s going to end up BURNT AND EDIBLE and we’ll be past the point of wondering what we can do to salvage it.

Caveat: In NO way am I saying it’s realistic to say that resentment can completely be removed. It is what it is. It’s life. Sometimes. we want something and cannot explain or express to another person, to be on the same EXACT page as us, ALL the time. It’s MANAGING that resentment, digging down to the ROOT of what initially caused it, that gives way to a flow of wellness that allows for our relationships to thrive and grow.

SO… to wrap up – Achievement is something that most likely attracted you to your restaurant man/woman. It’s what makes restaurant owners open their second and third restaurant. What allows for collaborators to create restaurant groups. etc… What makes wineries create a new varietal. It’s that knowing that it’s going to get done.. no matter what it takes. We all have that desire to achieve in the fiber of our being… it’s when we can see achievement in action that it reminds us of our potential and sometimes is the impetus to create great things.

How does your own sense of achievement show up in your restaurant relationship? What’s the best part of achievement? What’s the worst?

JOIN US – FREE CALL! Understanding what you VALUE – Thursday, March 1st 8pm EST

Once you sign up, I will send you a list (on the day of the call) of 100+ other potential VALUES you and your restaurant man might find important and we will be discussing all that I’ve shared here and share an opportunity to regularly get together to help each other with our OWN goals and dreams.

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by Kerilyn Russo

Dont listen to what they say, in your case, opposites attract. Value Number Two – BALANCE

February 11, 2012 in Life, VALUES by Kerilyn Russo

See-Saw by Tomáš Beránek

 

Here we are again… week two.

FIRST.. So, what did you think? Is INDEPENDENCE something that is high on your VALUES list? Apparently it is for quite a few of you because the FREE call on March 1st is starting to fill up! Let’s keep it going, shall we?

I don’t think you understand how much I want you to GET this as a way of NO LONGER feeling like something is wrong with you or your relationship.

Today we’re talking about what I listed as the second most important VALUE is in a thriving restaurant relationship. It’s something that without… can cause great frustration and resentment to build. Actually… it leaves us mostly feeling alone and doubting ourselves. And for good reason. Why? Because…

You’ve most likely heard that having ‘common or mutual interests’ is a sign of a lasting relationship, right?

Maybe in 9-5′r relationships, do having many things in common come in handy. You’re with each other more, you leave for work at the same time, come home at the same time and go grocery shopping at the same time too. You also have weekends together and can visit your family in one car, most likely. You’ve probably heard (which is why it’s hard to figure out if this relationship works in the beginning) that “Mutual Interests” make a strong relationship.

I remember in the beginning, I believed that too. I really doubted the long lasting-ness of my relationship with my then chef boyfriend because we didn’t have much in common. Oh my gosh, I used to be out to dinner with him (most likely late at night) and would initiate an argument because I thought we had nothing in common (besides food, and I’m not a Foodie). I found myself comparing my relationship to friends in 9-5′r relationships.. and thought that because my boyfriend isn’t available to go to the movies with me on a Friday nite… that that MUST mean that we don’t have anything in common and that HAS to mean this isn’t going to work.

SOUND FAMILIAR? *Ten bucks says it does.

Well, in this type of relationship… it’s USUALLY the things that make you opposite of your restaurant man/woman that brings you BALANCE. Whether we know it or like it or not. (Most likely you don’t even know this… YET.)

Once you are safely rooted in your INDEPENDENCE, can you see these opposites as something of VALUE. Not something that MUST mean that you are not on secure ground.

*Whenever you read/hear/are told that you have to have “Common Interests” in order to have a lasting relationship… I give you PERMISSION to say (out loud too) “Eh, that might be the case for 9-5′r relationships but not in my relationship with my chef/bartender/GM/Sommelier/owner/etc…”

(and then proceed to smile)

It’s not the same. It’s just not.

I’m going to give you two examples… to show you two opposites that my chef husband and I have that if I didn’t understand how they bring us BALANCE.. they would both drive me NUTS. But don’t because I’ve come to understand my values. (okay I’ll admit it, I still have my moments but then I remember they are a part of what I VALUE – and I feel better in a MUCH shorter time than before)

1. BOOK SMART (me) vs. STREET SMART (him) – Case in point… on our 2nd,week long annivizaversary vacation to the beach (I know, I’m lucky), I was SO looking forward to sitting down with a 500 page book, investing intervals of quiet time to just ‘be’ in silence and read. NOPE. It drove him CRAZY that I just wanted to sit quietly, so he was always out on his motorcycle, exploring, which made him very happy. Another example is he is NOT computer savvy much at all… I am sure the management at his company has to know when I’m helping type out and paraphrase something that he wants to say in an evaluation or his quarterly initiatives.

On the other hand…if something with my car, or in the house, brakes down…I would be the one calling a tow to get it fixed but not my husband. He’s outside with the hood up for hours trying to figure out how to fix it, and usually does. Another example… I’m not ashamed to say that I am a HUGE chicken when it comes to driving in the snow, to the contrary, he LOVES it. He should seriously teach classes about how to drive in it. He always wants to take me to an abandoned parking lot in the snow and have me slide around to learn. (To which I say, NO thanks.)

2. I’m a PLANNER and he is SPONTANEOUS – about just about EVERYTHING. Money, plans for the future, what we’re eating tomorrow, etc… People ask me “Well what do you think you’re husband thinks about that (something in the future) and I say “Honestly, I don’t know. When I talk to him in the moment, he seems fine with it.” but I gotta catch him in the moment. *He’s kinda like a dog that way. Shh, don’t tell him I said that. Whereas, I have a VERY hard time being in the moment. Emphasis on VERY.

That’s the thing… his spontaneity I NEED in order to bring me BALANCE. Could you imagine if I was with another planner? (daydreaming….. er, uh, no.) I mean, it would be fun for some time but I think it wouldn’t challenge me to grow. When he calls me at 10pm on a Saturday nite, and I’m in my pj’s, set to stay in for the night and he asks if I want to go out for a beer (which means HE goes out for a beer, I just chat with him and watch him unwind) my initial thought is “ARE YOU CRAZY? It’s 10pm!” but I’ve learned to be a bit more open to those spontaneous moments because of him.

TRUST ME… I can go on.

Maybe it’s not these two examples above.. maybe it’s “I’m an early bird, and he’s a night owl.” (we have that going on too)… WHO KNOWS… but whatever IT is that you find your opposite on.. is MOST LIKELY what brings you two BALANCE and that, my friends is a very important thing to know and to VALUE.

Remember that paper from last time? Hopefully they have the answers to whether you VALUE your independence on them. Go get it and ask yourself this:

  • Because I am a ________________________, and he/she is a _________________________, he/she pushes me to enhance the parts of myself that I would not usually be comfortable with.
  • T/F -When I recognize that my other half is different from me, we usually have more fun and enjoy each others company more.
  • Three benefits I get from my other half NOT being just like me… 1. _______________ 2. ________________ 3. _____________
  • T/F – I see us growing closer because of the things that make us different.

AFFIRMATION: I now embrace our differences as a way of bringing BALANCE to our relationship.

  • AGAIN – let me say… YOU are NOT in a typical type of relationship. It does not have the same rules. If you attempt to follow the rules of those in the SAME type of relationship… you will find that you see what is in YOUR relationship is not working. LIBERATE yourself from thinking it’s the same and REFRAME your experiences to include understanding that it’s your differences that bring you BALANCE.  That is a strong VALUE that will help you thrive in your restaurant relationship.

Please tell me what your thinking… It’s SO important to me that you understand this. Leave a comment below… even if it’s a frustration, I want to know. (*If you’re reading this from FACEBOOK, please do me a humungous favor and leave a comment here vs. on Facebook. Thanks!)

AND FINALLY….

Join us for the FREE CALL, Thursday March 1st at 8pm EST to discuss all these lovely VALUES with me (and the 100+ other Values I’m going to send you before our call) and your fellow significant others who I BET… are feeling exactly the same way you are. Whatever you’re feeling…lets talk about it! Sign up below to join the group!

JOIN US – FREE CALL! Understanding what you VALUE – Thursday, March 1st 8pm EST

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by Kerilyn Russo

Why yes, I AM available Friday nite!…. VALUE Number One – Independence.

February 4, 2012 in VALUES by Kerilyn Russo


VALUE NUMBERO UNO - I FINALLY understood that I VALUED my INDEPENDENCE.

As I wrote in my last post about ‘The One thing I was missing…” I told you I was going to share with you one VALUE, each week. Well here we are at week one. Personally, I believe this value is most important (as it is in my restaurant relationship) so I wanted to talk about it first (in my standard,’Chatty Cathy’ way)…. INDEPENDENCE.

When I first started dating my then chef boyfriend, I really had no idea what I was getting myself into…dating someone in the industry. I thought that my time was his time and vice versa - OUR time (like most typical 9-5 relationships) - I thought that meant we had to spend ALL of it together which was why I quickly became the naggy one asking him…

“WHEN are you going to make time for me?”

I was focusing SO MUCH on what I didn’t have, that I couldn’t even see what I did. Of COURSE I loved that I could go out on a Friday nite with my girlfriends or to a movie on Saturday and not have someone always asking me what I was up to (that was really awesome)… but where I was concerned… HE wasn’t available when I wanted and THAT was a problem.

*Oh, the arguements we would have about this. Let me tell ya….

He would say that this is his schedule and there really is nothing he can do about it (SOUND FAMILIAR?) So I would sulk and do my best ‘cold shoulder’ act that I could conjure up so he would get the point that I wasn’t happy. Unfortunately, it didn’t change his schedule.. just left me thinking I’m not sure I can ‘do’ this.

Eventually… I decided I couldn’t and broke up with him for what I thought, was for good.

FLASH FORWARD to my relationship with a 9-5′r. I felt guilty every time I went to do something with my friends and left him home. After the honeymoon phase wore off, I found myself yearning for an evening to do what I wanted to do. *Confession: I remember wanting to go to an all day concert with a girlfriend, and my 9-5 boyfriend wanted to come, I JUMPED on the chance of it being just me and her, when he said he wasn’t feeling well. Yikes.* Because I was now in a relationship with a fellow 9-5′r, I usually chose hanging out with him instead of doing what I wanted to do, and eventually felt a sadness.. like I was missing something.

It was in that relationship that I realized that I was a really independent person. I really enjoyed the FREEDOM to do what I wanted to do with my free time. When I realized that… a HUGE weight of sorts lifted from SO much of my life. I remember when I was reconnecting with my chef (for the final time, thankfully), thinking… OH MY GOSH, that means I can have ME back!!! My friends and my family noticed a change back to who I innately was inside. They would tell me…”It’s good to see YOU, again.”

Once I understood what I valued…I no longer felt neglected like I once did.

*I swear I’m not feeding you a line. It’s SO much different than before!*

For example, Sunday is usually one of his days off. (YES, I know I’m lucky.) BEFORE, I would get SO upset if he wanted to go hang out with his chef friends because it’s the only day that we had together. NOW, I know that that is usually the only day that his FRIENDS have off too (to ride motorcycles and such).. and he needs that time too. Because I understand I value my independence (and so does he), it makes watching him ride away for a few hours enjoyable… knowing he’s going to get “fed” from his time doing something he loves.

For those just starting out in restaurant relationships: This is not like “regular” 9-5 relationships. You will not spend the same kinds of time with your other half that, perhaps, your friends in 9-5 relationships do. If you begin to demand that same kinda time from your restaurant man or woman, you’ll quickly find that YOU will be let down, sad, and angry that you are not getting what you want. (Like I always was… saying “I’m not important to you if you don’t make time for me!”)

Let’s flip that around, shall we?

What are you doing in your own life that is EQUIVALENT to the passion they have in their careers? Is it your own career? Your hobbies? Your active social life? Your spirituality? Your health?

Go out and DO THAT.

*Caveat: If your still debating if this type of relationship works for you, and you continually get the feeling that having your own time to do your own thing always leaves you feeling angry, resentful, lonely and sad… even after you answer the questions below… it MIGHT be one of three things… 1. maybe you don’t value Independence as much and THAT IS OKAY! 2. maybe another value trumps Independence OR 3.this isn’t the type of relationship that will inevitably leave you feeling fulfilled. Either way, you’re figuring it out and that’s all we can hope for, right?

You’ll find that the more time you spend on your OWN plights, goals, passions… the richer the time you do spend together will be. If you are waiting for them to come home, get off work to spend time with you… you’ll be looking for HIM/HER to create your own value.

*Everyones values are different. No one person values the same exact thing in the same intensity. That said, it’s up to YOU to figure out what works for you. What works for you might not for your restaurant man/woman. *Although, I believe a thriving restaurant relationships share common values. Independence being one of them.

In the same light, I understood that we both VALUE having SACRED time together (Sacredness is another VALUE). Routines and rituals that we do not reschedule or rain check because we know that we have limited time together, enhance our time apart. Having these moments help us BOTH to feel valued when we miss each other… knowing we’ll reconnect soon helps us nurture our own VALUE. These sacred moments have become the cornerstone of our marriage and their something we both look forward to, from week to week.

So here’s what I want you to do to discover if Independence is a VALUE of yours.

1. Get out a piece of paper.
2. Answer the following questions:

  • When it’s Friday nite and I’m about to get off of work and I know my restaurant man/woman is working… I feel ____________________.
  • T/F – I feel so lonely when he’s at work and I don’t have anything to do.
  • T/F – I kinda feel like we don’t have a “real” relationship if we don’t evenings and weekends together.
  • T/F – I think it’s kinda selfish that I like to do my own thing… I mean, that isn’t “Normal.”
  • If I know I’m going to have a day to myself… I end up doing____________________________.
  • When I am feeling “SO MUCH MYSELF” (meaning happy in my life/my own skin/FREE TO BE ME!) I am usually_________________.

Maybe you’ve heard the quote:

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

Most likely, your restaurant man/woman is doing what makes him/her ‘come alive’. Now it’s time you find the same thing.

I want to end by saying that no one TAUGHT us this… about what we value. We’re thrown into life with our fingers crossed and hoping for the best. How awesome would it be to have a little help when we begin something new… with a firm grounding of who we are and what we bring to the table…so we won’t always feel like we’re missing something.

How do YOU feel about this? Please share with us your thoughts, feelings… reactions.

Finally… in a few weeks (Thursday, March 1st 8pm EST), I’m offering a FREE CALL to discuss said values more in depth, discuss these and share with you what other values you have! (Once you sign up, I’ll send you a list of over 100 additional values for you to consider!) I want to take your questions, quandaries.. even frustrations. Sign up below to join in on the call! Hope to *see*  you there!

JOIN US – FREE CALL! Understanding what you VALUE – Thursday, March 1st 8pm EST

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by Kerilyn Russo

On being Married to a Chef with Children

January 30, 2012 in Family, Life by Kerilyn Russo

Source: craftsbyamanda.com via Camille on Pinterest

I am almost without words (and that doesn’t happen too often) at how valuable a resource it’s been for me to hear of how other Significant Others are doing it… being married to a chef WITH children. Your insight and wisdom (sprinkled in with a mix of light heartedness and sass) has proven comforting to me as I go forward on my journey to conceive. Thank you.

Today you will hear from another GIFTED writer.. (you ladies need to start writing books!) Reading her words… I almost instantly feel at peace, not so alone and freaked out. I’m pretty sure you will get the same vibe from her… Thank you Sara!!!

The Single Married Mother

We knew we weren’t ready for a baby, but there was, indeed, a blue line, and also, a massive change of heart. There were tears, and fears, and hysterical to-be grandparents.

“You can’t move across the country with our grand baby in your belly!” my mother exclaimed. I was only a few weeks pregnant, and already this baby was changing every plan, for myself, my husband and our respective families. But, we trekked across the plains and mountains, with a jug of homemade ginger honey juice to calm the nausea of the bumpy, bloated ride. There was an initial craze of finding jobs, getting lost in our new North Western city, and surviving the daily freak-out sessions of “What are we doing????”

I remember sitting on the couch one evening as my husband worked the dinner shift, feeling like Dorthy in Oz, dropped from the sky in to a strange and confusing land. You see, I am also a chef. I was used to late nights, late mornings, adrenalin, drinking, being bawdy and brutal to my body. Suddenly, I was sitting on the couch, watching American Idol through tears, because I had no idea how to live this lonely, sedate, pregnant life. I especially did not know how to do it with out my partner, and I was in a panic as to how I was going to do it with a baby in tow.

The first two years were very hard. Initially, I was in baby bliss, and relished the new life as mother. However, about three months in, the doubt and the loneliness began to take it’s toll. Being in a new city, with few people to call “friend” made the situation even harder. I tried a Mom’s group, but soon didn’t want to give up the morning time that I had to be with my husband. No other mother in the group had a partner that worked evenings, so I was still at a loss as to solving the crisis of the long, sad evenings.

Eventually, I decided I had to move closer to family. For me, I just had to be in a familiar place with familiar faces while I tried to figure out this whole new world. Even though I am completely versed in what it means to be a chef, and the demands of following the dream, I found myself fuming at the culture I had once loved. The tension in my marriage pushed us to breaking points, and I was to my wits end, filled with resentment for this life I felt was so unfair.

Some of you have been living the life of a restaurant workers’ partner for some time. Others of you may be like me, suddenly shocked at the difficulty of raising a child while the other parent works the crazy hours expected of a chef, restaurant manager, server or bartender. We have friends and family asking “ How do you manage?”, and “Why don’t they do something else?” as if it were as easy as going to a store and picking a new livelihood off the shelf. We have friends inviting us to couples parties on Saturdays, and in-laws vying for time on the one precious day off. We have ourselves, wondering what we’ve gotten our into and how we are going to manage. Most importantly, we have our children, wanting to know where their other parent is, and why they aren’t home in time for dinner.

Today, I feel like I have come along way in regards to how I handle the circumstances of my life with a restaurant loving spouse. I have stopped fighting the reality so much, and I have pushed myself to expand my mind and my horizons in order to be a better mother and wife. I suppose you could say I have hit my stride, and I have found a way to live my life that I can embrace more fully. Of course, I still have my moments lamenting the demands of my husband’s career, but, miraculously, those times are quite few these days. I am grateful for the opportunity to share my learning with you, as my own greatest comfort has come from meeting other mothers who lift my spirit with their experiences and the knowledge that my situation is not unique.

Your love and commitment to your partner is such a great foundation for a family, and I commend you for that. I hope that these ideas and suggestions inspire you, and that you always remember you aren’t alone in the struggle.

Expand Your Community

 

I cannot stress the importance of this. Even in the case that you have friends and family in close proximity, the opportunity to have a wide range of people (especially other mothers) in your circle will greatly improve your ability to handle the lonely nights, and dateless evenings out.

Unfortunately, family and friends can sometimes disappoint when it comes to helping with your child. There is only so much they can do to “replace” your partner and some may not be as willing to help as much as you had hoped. Expanding your community whether or not you have family that is close or willing to help will be a priceless asset. Some of you may not yet have children and you have already built a system of support for yourself. If you are planning on a bundle of joy, your support should expand even further.

Sometimes, old friends can have a hard time with the transition of your motherhood, and can even be sometimes insensitive to your situation. The good thing about meeting new people is that everyone wants to be liked, and new friends tend to hold back judgments or opinions the way old friends do not. Now, this will take some courage and effort on your part, but I promise, great rewards will follow. Start by looking into your community for Mom groups, play date groups or organizations like La Leches League. I encourage you to start searching these groups out while  you are making your registry or decorating the nursery. Be open to posting for new friends on Craigslist. When I finally bit that bullet, I met one of the most awesome females in my life. She didn’t even have kids, but she could be more compassionate towards me than many of my child- bearing friends. Ask your partner if there are any co-workers who have families, or if anyone of their expansive network have spouses and families.

I have spent some good times with my husbands chef’s wife and son. It has been an enriching relationship, and a great support when I am feeling resentful of the lifestyle.

Make Yourself a Priority

I hear this advice given a lot, and I am guilty of not adhering to it at times. But I can tell you from experience that it is an essential, especially for the lifestyle of a restaurant workers spouse raising children. The better you feel, the more you will be able to handle the stress, the emotions and the frustrations of single married motherhood. Being the partner of a food service worker takes parenting to whole new extremes, and caregivers  tend to put each other last on the list. I encourage you to put yourself first. Schedule a massage. Get a babysitter. Put them to bed early to curl up  with the book you want to read. Be gentle on yourself and reward yourself.

This may require that you follow Tip #1 of expanding your community.

If you are on a tight budget or have limited family to help watch your child consider the following:

  1. Offer to trade babysitting with other parents. Chances are, you also know someone on a tight budget who could use some free kid- free time.
  1. See if anyone would be up for bartering; say, you provide a meal for the family in trade for 3 hours of free sitting. If you don’t cook, think of some  other talent or hobby you have that would be useful to someone else. Can you sew? Are you able to make home repairs or clean house? I have had  a friend watch my child in exchange for picking up a few groceries just so she doesn’t have to go through the hassle of schlepping all three of her kids to the store!
  1. Consider working part-time, even if you don’t have to. The money considering daycare may even out, but the time of feeling like a grown-up, is priceless.

Forget the “Shoulds”’

This may be the most important tip of all, and the one that is a bit more conceptual. Early on, I found myself ruminating on all of the “Should’s”; He “should” be home helping me with bath time, he “should” have better hours, this “should” be more fair, he “should” have holidays off….I “should” be able to handle this better.

In life, there are many more “should’s” than guarantees. It is easy to think that this loneliness is an injustice that we must suffer through. But, it can be something to be celebrated. So, I want you to consider embracing this lifestyle as a lifeline. Consider the couples who are so annoyed and bored with each other after spending every evening together, wrangling the kids, talking about the budget, putting dinner on the table, only to fall  into bed exhausted and longing for intimacy, spontaneity, excitement. I, for one, am banking on not being nearly as bored with my husband as my other married friends, simply because he has less time to annoy me, and I have less time to nag him. Getting to see him lends more excitement to the relationship. During the week, I don’t have to worry that I look like an unsexy slob; he’s not there to see it! I anticipate the time we get to be together, and find myself taking pleasure and having the energy to look good especially for him.

Cultivate an attitude of Acceptance and Appreciation

Yes, this is a hard lifestyle. And there will be times you want to curl up in a ball and say “ Whyyy Meee??” You’ll tell them to quit their job, find something, anything else to do. These are the times that you will hate hearing” Look on the bright side!” You’ll want to slap whoever tells you this.  seriously, take a moment to breathe and reflect on the good things in your life.

Think of how you know that he will be home tonight, where he will be tomorrow, rather than having to go to sleep wondering if he is being ambushed in the mountains of Afghanistan.

Think of those who don’t know where their next meal is going to come from, and that you have a paycheck with your family name on it. Consider that you have met someone your want to share your life with and create a new human being with.

Consider that you will be teaching your children about hard work, commitment and what it is to sacrifice for love and family. Consider acceptance. If you believe in God, have faith that he has brought this to you for a purpose. If you believe in Karma, know that a big measure of love will come your way. If you don’t believe in anything, believe in yourself. There is always hope. There will be bad days, but there will be good days.

And even if your partner were home every evening, it is no guarantee that you would be happier, or that life would be easier.

Sometimes, having a chef as a husband is like adding another kid to the mix.

Teach Your Children Well

One of the things I fear the most is my son asking why Daddy can’t come to his game. Or school recital. There have been days I try to distract myself from the reality of him is not being here to join us on “family” outings. But I have realized that this is not a culture I want to create for my child; “coping” with my partners absence. I am not cold-hearted, but firmly establish that Daddy has to work. It is how we afford the house we live  in and the clothes we buy. It is a fact of life, and even though some kids have both parents on the weekend, many families are of different shapes, sizes and situations. I help him to create friendships, because, really, Mom and Dad are only so much fun.

On Christmas Eve, we have a private party of wrapping Daddy’s presents, talking about the surprises in store for him. I encourage you to get creative. Have an Un-Christmas if your partner has to work the holiday. Create new traditions, and find new meaning in what matters most to you and your partner. Even if it is  something as simple as having cereal for dinner the night before family day, a tradition is a tradition. Security and a sense of belonging is what matters most to your child. Do not conjure feelings of missing out. We are incredibly lucky to live in this nation, in this lifetime, with the riches we have. Teach them to be grateful and lead by example.

Sara Bloomer is a Chef, Mother, Chef’s Wife and Foodie. She is passionate about sustainable food practices, having spent time working on Sallie’s Organic Farm, participating in her neighborhood CSA, and touring local food “hot spots”. While she misses her days working in restaurants, her focus of mothering her son, Basel, has been a welcome reprieve from the stressful life of a line cook. Sara enjoys getting crafty, meeting other mammas, and sitting in breast-feeding circles in the garden. Nature, travel, adventure, and discovery are major themes in her life and she hopes to one day leave it all behind for a year, traveling the country in a food truck with her husband and son.

If you want to read our other takes on what it’s like… read our other lovely ladies words of wisdom

***If you are interested in sharing your take on what it’s like… you know…. email me at info@marriedtoachef.com

 

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by Kerilyn Russo

The one thing I was missing…

January 23, 2012 in Life by Kerilyn Russo

from Jen at Bits of Truth

Let’s flash back in time, shall we?

Back when my now chef husband was my new chef boyfriend… I was pretty sure we didn’t have what it was going to take to ‘make’ it in our relationship.

Nope.

I wasn’t sure if I had the strength to deal with the late nights… long hours… doing things by myself … the semi-occasional drunk evening (on his part, see more about that here) .

I also didn’t know if he was ever going to be ready to “settle down” the way I envisioned what settling down looked like. (Putting me higher up on the priority list (or so I thought), wanting to spend his days off with me, choosing not to go out drinking and instead spend time with the 9-5 girlfriend in the evenings knowing that she goes to bed early and gets up early,etc…)

At the time he was a sous chef, working incredible hours and then, most nights… heading out to the bar afterward. That was his life, and I was the naggy one who always got in the way of that.

Did I love him? YES. Did he love me? YES.

That wasn’t the issue.

It wasn’t until we broke up (for the umpteenh time), and I ended up dating someone else for three years …(read more about that here) until I ended up getting back together with him that I finally, after TEN years, understood what IT was that I was missing when we first started dating. (And it just kinda *hit* me by default, due to the ending of the relationship I was in.)

It’s a main reason why I created this website and why I became a life coach.

If I were granted ONE WISH for my big idea here at Married to a Chef…it would be that you too, would *get* this, and make it a part of your life.

Once I understood what IT was…I knew that I had what it took in this type of relationship and even more than that.. it was understanding this one thing that made me know that I was with the right person for me and that I was ready to get married. (Again, I didn’t *get* this at first, It took me years of trial and error.)

I’ve mentioned it a few times before but now it’s time for us to start really shifting gears here.

Why?

Because this website is about and for YOU, ya hear me, YOU!

Ready?

I know you are.

I FINALLY understood my VALUES and the values my relationship had.

You might be thinking… HUH? ‘What the heck does that mean? Understood my values?’

It means… When I understood those attributes that make me tick, makes US tick…makes me feel at peace with myself and my husband, a birds eye view of ‘US’, as it were…I knew I could thrive in this relationship and so could he.

It is SO easy to become lost in not understanding what’s going on around us when we don’t understand what we VALUE. For instance, it’s SO easy to get caught up with our restaurant man/womans career and passions, that we totally forget what WE bring to the table. (It makes SO much sense to me, why that happens – a subject we’ll discuss in a bit, keep reading.) We put their schedule, their path, their passions above our own. In doing that, we feel lost, alone… thinking “What’s wrong with me? us? him/her? ”

Nothings wrong with you… you just don’t understand what you VALUE.

It’s like a virtual light goes on in our lives and in our relationships when we begin to understand. It’s something that I’ve been sensing… is an important part missing in a lot of restaurant relationships. Until we GET this… we’ll still feel like something is missing or not quite right. (BOLD statement, I know… but I KNOW it’s worth the risk.)

Before we go on, I think it’s important to talk about what values ARE:

“Your VALUES are the understandings and preferences that you believe are important in the way you live your life. They (usually) determine your priorities, and, deep down, are usually a good indicator to tell if your life is turning out the way you want it to. When the things that you do and the actions you take match your values, life is usually good – you’re satisfied and content. But when these don’t align with your values, that’s when things feel… OFF. This can be a real source of unhappiness. ” -Team Mind Tools

Most of us dive in without first really knowing what makes us feel comforted, secure, motivated… happy, so we look to our other half to give us that and when they don’t provide.. we feel a lack. Which causes resentment. (Remember Resentment?)

It takes some awareness, but once we know what kind of things we hold dear… it becomes easier to see what we can focus on or what to let go of. Understanding our values leaves us no longer thinking “I can’t see where I’m going!” and instead shines the way.

Over the next five weeks… I’m going to be focusing on five (5) different VALUES and how they relate to being in a LONG TERM relationship with someone in the restaurant industry. In truth, there are dozens (probably hundreds) of different values, because everyone is different. No one person or relationship have the same values.

I chose these five because they are what I discovered about myself and my relationship, and you might find them applicable to yourself as well. I will share some questions to ask yourself when considering if these values ring true for you and your man/woman and an exercise that will help you put these values to use in your everyday life! These (5) values are:

  • Independence
  • Balance
  • Achievement
  • Strength
  • Dynamism

At the end of five (5) weeks, I will be holding a FREE CALL to discuss values more in depth, to answer your questions you have about what you’ve discovered (I’ll also share my OWN take on why it’s SO easy to lose sight of what WE bring to the table!)

The FREE, one hour call will be held on:

Thursday, March 1st at 8pm EST/5pm PST

***Put it on your calendar NOW!***

Sign up for the FREE call here!

Once you sign up, on the day of the call, I’ll also be sending you a SCHNAZZY list of 100 other values so you have more options to choose from if these five don’t speak to you, that you can print out and use for your own discovery.

FINALLY – I will be discussing an opportunity I’m offering to access what your OWN values are, to pinpoint where, in your life your values are showing up and how you can use knowing them to make decisions about how to live your life.

So until next week where we will talk about our first value (personally, I think it’s THEE value most other halves have in common, hence I want to talk about it first!) - INDEPENDENCE!!

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by Kerilyn Russo

On being Married to a Chef with Children

January 20, 2012 in Family, Life by Kerilyn Russo

 

Ask and you shall receive, right? I don’t know about you but I feel SO much better after reading Hilarys take on what it’s like being Married to a Chef with Children. I knew it was going to be challenging, that I would inevitably be the primary caretaker, but it’s SO good to know that the answer is finding what works for each couple, when times get tough.  I LOVE what she said about:

” Being married to a chef is hard enough without children. Having children is hard enough without being married to a chef. Combine the two and you’ve got a recipe for a lot of work.”

SO insightful. It’s amazing to me to see how similar we other halves are… PURPOSEFUL, STRONG and RESILENT… almost like we could carry the world if we knew had to.

Well, you are in for a treat. We have another wife and mama’s take on what it’s like… well, you know. I am receiving so much guidance in her wise words. I have a feeling you’ll end up feeling as empowered as I did.

Married to a Chef … With Children

by Gretchen Alfonso of GastroMami

I met my husband Reny during my last year of college.  I was bartending my way through school & he had just arrived in Memphis to take the helm of a nationally acclaimed restaurant.  He was cute, talented, covered in tattoos, completely full of himself & I was smitten.  After dating my way through the classic “bad boys,” mostly musicians and bartenders, I had found my ultimate man:  a badass in the kitchen who worked hard, played hard & loved hard.   I went to school in the mornings while he slept, we both worked 5-6 nights a week followed by drinking, eating & dancing our way through every juke joint and blues club in town.  Life was grand.

Fast-forward to 2008 and I caught the “Yes We Can” bug, heading to Pennsylvania to work a congressional campaign.  You see, with a chef as my partner, my “wild & crazy” idea to move 800 miles away for 6 months in order to work 80 hours a week didn’t seem all that “wild & crazy.”  The thing about insane work hours & exhaustion, however, is that one can let some important stuff slide and ‘well hello there double blue lines!’  Our son Reinaldo came in May 2009 and to say that he rocked our world (in a good way) is an understatement!  About 22 months later Fiona arrived on the scene.

Our life with children isn’t all that different from our life before:  we are up at all hours of the night, someone is always hungry, work never seems to stop and occasionally we have an out of control ‘customer’ that needs to take a seat & have a glass of water or he will need to leave (or go in timeout as it were).  The main difference is that, instead of us both working & playing together I am home, alone, much of the time – and that has not been the easiest of transitions.

It is difficult for me to put into words what is so hard about this lifestyle, with kids.  Is it the long hours or the weekend events alone?  Is it the fact that even when he is home he is usually sleeping?  Do I regret that I often turn down playgroups because they are almost always at 10am and that is his time with the kids or that all his time at home is taken up by two children who love him but what about me, his wife?  Do I look at other dads on New Year’s Eve and mourn the fact that my husband isn’t there to watch his 8 month old daughter as she is mesmerized watching fireworks for the first time or regret that he isn’t there for our nightly “get the wiggles out,” post-bath, naked-babies dance party?

There is a lot that is hard, really super-duper hard, about having a chef as my parenting partner but there are also a lot of really great things:

  • We get to go to the zoo, to the aquarium & museums in the morning, during the week, when no one else is there!
  • My husband is able to enjoy our children at their best time of day – early in the morning!  Granted, he is usually half asleep but the joy & love they have between the hours of 7-9am is unbeatable!
  • Reny & Fiona’s father makes a mean breakfast!  They want challah French toast with slivered almonds & macerated berries on a Thursday?  No problem!
  • When our babies are little I can pump a bottle before bed and “Dada” willingly takes the 1am feeding (because he is just getting home), thus granting a very tired Mama 4 solid hours of much-needed sleep
  • Jars of baby food?  Ha! – not in this house!  My kids were eating curried lentils & roasted squash while their playground companions were stuck with nasty-smelly “chicken dinner” & “pureed peas”
  • My  son’s favorite food is “pulpo” (octopus) & my 8-month old daughter just chowed down on some duck & rabbit goulash … picky eaters?  I don’t think so!
  • When we do get a date night Reny & I dine like we are part of the 1% and pay like we are below the poverty line

There are a lot of really difficult moments of parenting with a chef & there are a lot of really good moments.  We have also made some huge changes in our relationship over the past 2 ½ years:

My husband wakes up with the kids at least 5 days a week. Ouch, right?  This schedule started when I used to wait up for my husband to come home from work, usually around 11pm (at his old job); the deal was that if I waited up to see him, he would wake up with Ren since it was usually at least 1am before we rolled to bed together.  Now he has a new restaurant that keeps him at work later but he still wakes up and does breakfast & gets the kids dressed while I spend some much-needed alone time in bed!

We moved closer to my family. My parents are still a 7 hour drive from Philadelphia but the fact is that I CAN drive it, ALONE, with 2 kids instead of (from Memphis) taking 2 flights ($$) alone, with kids.  This means I can travel home for weddings, long weekends, ski trips & holidays and my husband can still fly, drive, or Megabus it, to meet us for part of the trip, if his schedule allows.  We also have relatives in NYC, DC & Baltimore if I need a quick hand!

Family comes before the restaurant. This seems like a no-brainer but sometimes chefs get so wrapped up in the restaurant, their staff & the customers.  I understand that it is a huge stress to run a restaurant and know that your staff of 50+ depends on you for their, and their family’s, livelihood & that each and every customer can make, or break, the restaurant that your chef so loves.   It has taken years of communication but Reny understands that our family comes first.  If I absolutely, desperately need help – he comes home. Granted, Reny is Executive Chef so he can always leave knowing he has the most capable sous chefs, and believe me, I know I am lucky in that ability.  I suffered from horrible post-partum depression after the birth of Fiona & was grateful that his schedule was flexible enough to give me, and our family, the time & extra set of hands we so desperately needed.

I hire a sitter so I can have adult time. I don’t have a husband to stay home with the kids so I can go to dinner with friends or attend book club so I hire a sitter – without feeling guilty! We budget that extra expense every month so I don’t feel isolated or “stuck” at home.

I don’t work outside of the home. As both a woman that loves to be busy & a feminist this is very hard for me but not having a job outside of our home is what works best for us, for now.  Since I am home with the kids we can be available for my husband whenever he is free.  The schedule is different this week and he is off on Wednesday instead of Monday?  Fine.  He’s out picking meat up from the market and wants to meet us at the nearby coffee shop for hot chocolate?  We can be there.  He’s working a double?  We pack up a lunch and have a picnic in the bar lounge.  I know that this flexibility is not forever, especially once our kids are in school, so we enjoy the moments together now and I will re-enter the workforce in the future.  He is a chef, however, with a paycheck to match, so we sacrifice & save to make it work but it does work, for us, for now.

I am going to be honest that there are times when my heart aches and I miss my husband and our children’s father; there are times that I am so overwhelmed and resentful of his job that I simultaneously burst into tears and call him to bitch and complain and vent.  There are also times when I am so eternally grateful that the passionate, fun-loving, badass of a 26 year old has turned into the most passionate, fun-loving, badass of a father that any kids could wish for.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gretchen Alfonso is a stay at home mom to Reny, 2 & Fiona, 9 months.  Her husband, Reny, is the Executive Chef at Alma de Cuba in Philadelphia, PA.  She spends her free time writing about her culinary & parenting adventures at GastroMami & volunteering as a “spokesmom” for The Clean Air Council and Sierra Club of Southeastern PA.  Gretchen loves exploring her new city, its museums & restaurants with her family.  An avid runner, eater & nature-lover, she and her husband work on instilling a healthy love & respect for food, and its origins, in their children.

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by Kerilyn Russo

On being Married to a Chef with children

January 15, 2012 in Family, Life by Kerilyn Russo

Source: icanread.tumblr.com via Dorothy Marie on Pinterest

Since my chef husband and I do not {yet} have children, it’s a no brainer that I felt I could not accurately write from what that perspective was. Before we got married, I had a sense it was going to be the most challenging part of being married to someone in the restaurant industry and I knew I wanted it to be an important focus here on Married to a Chef. In our village, it’s become a subject of great focus, I reached out to other halves who are in this sweet (and also challenging) spot to share their experiences, and today I am honored (as her blog was the first place I found comfort years ago) to share with you one amazing significant others take on what it’s like.

My Truth

by Hilary Battes of Desperate Chefs’ Wives

Being married to a chef is hard enough without children. Having children is hard enough without being married to a chef. Combine the two and you’ve got yourself a recipe for a lot of work.

I could tell you about the lonely nights and the struggles of managing a job, a home and a son but I’d be wasting your time. You know all of that; you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t. I want to share my specific struggles and how I cope with them. I’d like to be as honest and direct as possible, especially for those of you who are planning on having children.

I’ve been married for six years and my son is nearly two years old. Before I had my son I struggled with occupying my time when my husband wasn’t around. I cried my eyes out on New Year’s Eve several times and I sneered at other women enjoying meals with their spouses on Saturday nights. I surrounded myself with other women in the same situation. I blogged. I cried. I complained. A lot. None of those worked. Although they all played a part in my growth, I never gained the freedom I needed until I started communicating with my husband. I’ve been working really hard for the past four years or so to talk about anything and everything that bothers me. I worked on my voice tones. I had no idea how much I was conveying to my husband with the tone of my voice. The more I talked, the more he talked. We talked about what it’s like to be lonely. I stopped asking, “Why can’t you get off for Christmas?” and started saying, “I feel so let down when I can’t be with you Christmas Eve”. This created conversations between us instead of just arguments. I stopped whining. The whining was only pushing my husband away. Chefs have little to no power over their hours and days off so giving them grief about it only makes it worse. The communication started to make a big difference, but only after a while of working at it.

Before I had my son, I had a vision of motherhood that was a modern-day fairy tale. I imagined a tiny pink baby, warm against my breast, meeting for the first time in the hospital room moments after delivery. I hate the fact I never had that moment. After hemorrhaging a massive amount of blood and undergoing an emergency surgery, I survived delivery. But that picture perfect moment of mother and child after delivery that you see so often in the movies didn’t exist for me. That was the beginning of so many things that I expected motherhood to be like. The fairy tales are lies. Don’t get me wrong, I love my son, I adore him and although he can melt my heart like no one else, I don’t hide the fact that he’s a lot of work.

My biggest challenge was (and really still is) the feeling of resentment. Sometimes I just crumbled under the pressure of motherhood and I blamed my husband for it. Looking back now, I know none of the struggles were his fault, but I was so angry that I was doing so much more than he was. My body, my schedule, my life changed a hundred different ways since the day I got pregnant. And my husband? You guessed it, he has made minimal changes. Because of our lifestyle he didn’t necessarily have to. I couldn’t continue my life with the amount of work I was doing. Again, I changed the conversation. Instead of complaining I let my husband know what happened for me every time I had to take work off when our son was sick. I told him the jealously I experienced when he was able to meet up with his friends after work while I was at home giving our baby a bath. I asked for help. That was the hardest thing to do. It’s easy to complain. It’s easy to feel comfortable as the victim. The hard part is stepping out of the defenses that have kept us safe since our childhood.

Nearly two years after that traumatic day, my son, my husband and I are doing fantastic. We argue and get aggravated, but we also make room, lots of room, for communicating. We ask for help, we cry when things get rough, and we allow – no wait, encourage, each other to communicate.

I love my life and all the bumps that go with it.

That’s my truth.

About Hilary: A middle school teacher and administrator at a charter school in New Jersey. Her busy schedule allows for little downtime but when the rarity occurs, she enjoys reading, playing with her son, and dining out in New York City. She has been blogging for nearly five years on her site Desperate Chefs’ Wives and loves connecting with the women she meets through her blog.

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by Kerilyn Russo

New Year! Time to CELEBRATE?

January 5, 2012 in Celebrate!, Life by Kerilyn Russo

boost your esteem by Liz

 

YOU DID IT! You made it through another year! CONGRATS!!!

Take a bow….. (no really, get up and take a bow. Do it. I’lll wait.)

I’d like to start out by asking you all a question, a non ‘I married into the restaurant industry’ question. (If I may…)

How do you CELEBRATE when life brings you something yummy?

Celebrate? WHAT? What’s that? I don’t have time to celebrate!

If any of the answers above sound familiar… you’re not alone.

With all the buzz of New Years Eve just behind us… the topic of how we celebrate has come up and I decided what better time to discuss celebration and it’s effects to our overall health and happiness.   

SO many of us work SO hard to ‘BE’ the person we think we should be, who our parents want us to be, our restaurant man/woman… even our society, that I am not sure we are even in touch with what it means to celebrate. We work on our goals, and when the new year comes around again, we set up new goals (or revive old ones) in an effort to keep achieving.

But what about celebrating?

The dictionary defines ‘to Celebrate’= to proclaim, to make known publicly, to praise widely or to present to widespread and favorable public notice…. AN UNINHIBITED GOOD TIME.

As your unofficial coach, It doesn’t feel right to put parameters on what celebrating looks like, or a list of what you should or shouldn’t do when celebrating.

I purely want to bring the topic to the surface.

I always ask my clients “How do you celebrate that?”… and inevitably, the answer usually stumps them.

It’s actually become an important part of my practice.

We don’t know HOW to celebrate, or more importantly…What it even looks like when we decide we want to.

A little bit, if you don’t already know about me. My birthday is on New Years Eve. I LOVE my birthday and I’ve just realized why.

It’s one of a handful of days when we give ourselves PERMISSION to celebrate.

*Okay, there are plenty of those out there who are anti-New Years Eve, who take a more “It’s just another day” kinda stance and for that I TOTALLY respect you.

But for me.. I LOVE the energy buzzing around me all day, people are getting ready to get dressed up, have people over, or settle in for a night at home. Either way… there is this electricity in the air that I love. *On top of the multiple happy birthday phone calls, texts, emails and Facebook messages that I receive that just keeps the energy flowing…

I’ve been to Times Square for New Years Eve. My 20th and my 21st birthday. The only way to define it is ELECTRIFYING. All these people, in such a small space, with one aim…

… to RING IN the new year.

Talk about celebration!

But what about the everyday reasons to celebrate?

What about celebrating just for the sake of celebrating?

How do we even begin to wrap our heads around HOW to celebrate?

It’s something I’ve been giving a LOT of thought too this past year, I want to share with you my OWN thoughts on why we have trouble celebrating and how to begin reframing the way we think about it.  

Myth: We think that celebrating occurs only on special occasions. (Think New Years Eve or your birthday)
Thought: We’re worried about what everyone ELSE would think of us, that what if we celebrated with more regularity… “‘They’ll’ think I’m weird if I celebrate.” So we’ve built in these occasions that we don’t have to worry about that so much, so we can ’let down our hair’… to appear “normal” (a word I detest!) BUT…What if celebrations were a part of ALL of our everyday lives? How would that change things if we KNEW everyone was doing it?

Myth: Celebrating means doing something BIG and over the top (Think Times Square in NYC or a HUGE themed birthday party), or LOTS of investment (time, energy… money?).
Thought: What if celebrating only took 3 seconds. No really… 3 seconds, and NOONE else knew you were celebrating but YOU. Keep reading.

Myth: You only celebrate once you reach your goals. (BIG ONE… most of us feel this way about celebrating)
Thought: How would it change things if we thought of celebrating WHILE reaching our goals is like stopping for a break of water while running a race? Would we feel like we could give ourselves permission then? If it was something necessary for us to even reach our goal?

Myth:  Only selfish (or rich) people constantly celebrate.
Thought: Again, it’s about permission. If I were rich or self-absorbed… then it would be OKAY for me to celebrate. (A “Shoot, if I was rich and all my “problems” were gone, I’d FINALLY have a reason to celebrate!” mentality. – sound familiar?) What if we dared ourselves to think that WE TOO, deserve to celebrate too!?

Myth:  Celebrating doesn’t change the situation I’m in.
Thought: Okay… but what if it TEMPORARILY gives you RELIEF from your situation? Would it be okay then?  and even before that (here comes a virtual slap… you ready?)

What evidence do you have that it won’t change your situation?

Most likely… you don’t have any evidence. 

What if you gave it a try, a REAL hearty try for a week and see if you can find some evidence? 

*Consider this your New Years Resolution. Hey, at least I’m not asking you to take anything away, like on a diet. I’m asking you to ADD to your life, something that MIGHT (you do not currently know) change your whole day. (Basically… I double dog dare ya.)

Okay, Okay… I give! I’ll try it for a week if you’ll give me some ideas on how to celebrate.

I thought you’d never ask! Now comes the fun part!!! Here are just a handful of PRACTICAL ideas (for me, they gotta be practical, easy to do things in order for me to make them a new habit) to consider… AND… I’ll make them only 3 seconds long and if chosen, YOU will be the only one who knows you’re celebrating.

Ready?

  • Every morning, after taking that first sip of coffee, tea, Diet Coke, etc… close your eyes and look up… SAY out loud (or in your head)….BLISS.
  • When you get an email/text/FB message from a friend (or someone you are excited to hear from) – SAY out loud or in your head… I’M IMPORTANT!!!
  • If you realize you’re having a good hair day, or our outfit looks good – look in the mirror and pretend, for 3 seconds.. that a photographer is taking a few pics of you…  SMILE FOR THE CAMERA!
  • When 5 o’clock hits and you’re shutting off your 9-5 computer…. pretend you’re at the end of a performance and, in front of your computer…. TAKE A BOW!!
  • When you hear something ANYTHING that makes you happy – do one of three things: 1. say AMEN!! 2. Do a twirl 3. put your hands in the air and say YEA!
  • Stop what you’re doing, for 3 seconds, look at something that makes you happy and SMILE.
  • After yet ANOTHER day of handling SO much; taking care of the kiddos, the 9-5, running to the grocery, hitting the gym, paying the bills, patience with the restaurant man/woman… for 3 seconds say WHATEVER comes to your mind… with conviction… with PRIDE!  *Yes, even if it’s F^&K!!! My recommendations are : I DID IT! I ROCK! ONE DAY DOWN! I CAN HANDLE ANYTHING!!!
  • Before going to bed, straighten all the sheets and blankets out before you get into it. Then Jump in!

Finally, celebrating isn’t about having a BIG moment. For my birthday, everyone asked me how I’m celebrating. I went out to lunch with one girlfriend, a movie with another girlfriend and then head home for an evening with myself (as most of you also were solo that night too), my kitty girl, and the energy that my friends and family are thinking of me today, that so many people ARE giving themselves permission to celebrate, and that I have so much to be grateful for. THAT ALONE.. filled me up with a sense of peaceful energy that actually being in Time Square could match. CELEBRATION.

So let me ask you….

How willing are you to give yourself permission to celebrate more in your everyday life?

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by Kerilyn Russo

It’s OKAY… (the Christmas edition)

November 28, 2011 in Life by Kerilyn Russo

christmas lights

christmas lights by lavandarfields

 

I don’t know about you, but at this time of the year…

 I always feel a little frazzled. – Finding the ‘right’ gifts… finding the time (and energy) to put up a tree/decorate… coordinate holiday schedule (when is the husband working?) …head to the mall/browsing online. (yuck)

I feel a little overwhelmed.  – Gifts = Money and I would prefer to save it. The husband…. not so much.

I feel a little isolated. – It’s dark by 5pm. Going home to an empty AND dark house makes me feel a little closed off from the world.

All in all, at this time of year I end up feeling a litle sad. 

I thought instead of keeping these feelings to myself, I’d share them with you. I figure there has to be a few of you feeling the same way, right?

It hit me…. instead of fighting it, or thinking “What’s WRONG with me?”, feeling the way I do, why not give myself PERMISSION to feel these things.

Most of the time, the fact that we can’t seem to stop these spinning thoughts USUALLY comes from a place that we think there HAS to be something “WRONG” with us.

What if there is nothing wrong?

Here are a list of things that I want to give myself permision to be OKAY with… If you want to join in, feel free to leave a comment, if not, hope you enjoy mine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  • It’s OKAY to have no energy at the end of another boring day at the 9-5 to even THINK of doing anything Christmas-y.
  • It’s OKAY to not want to cook after work, instead to have a bowl of cereal in front of the TV and catch up on my TV shows. *maybe Frosty the Snowman?
  • It’s OKAY to not want to spend hundreds of dollars on Christmas gifts.  Doesn’t mean you don’t care.
  • It’s OKAY to be happy that for the first year in… FOREVER, you won’t have to travel for Christmas. Doesn’t mean you’re selfish.
  • It’s OKAY that you start bawling in the car when you hear “The Christmas Shoes” song on the radio, after knowing you’ve heard it so many times before. *Actually, most Christmas songs make you weapy, know it’s OKAY to let those tears flow.
  • It’s also OKAY to sing REALLY LOUD in the car to all your favorite Christmas songs.
  • It’s OKAY to be upset that your other half is working late when he/should be helping you wrap these dang gifts!
  • It’s OKAY to WANT to send out Christmas cards… and not actually get to it.
  • It’s OKAY to procrastinate on buying christmas gifts. You know you’ll get it done. Go easy on yourself.
  • It’s OKAY that you want the house to magically decorate itself. *Unfortunately it won’t get done without you.
  • It’s OKAY to be a bit more of a NAG this time of year in order to get said house decorated. I mean, you can’t DO everything yourself, can you?
  • It’s OKAY to ask your husband if he’ll bring something home from the restaurant so you can have something for lunch the next day.
  • It’s OKAY to buy the hershey kisses with the Christmas colors to put out when your guests come. *And why not a few (handfuls) for you too?
  • It’s OKAY to be pissed that your house doesn’t look like the pictures in Pottery Barn with all the Christmas decorations *I mean, come on!
  • It’s OKAY that although you feel the Christmas spirit, you aren’t regularly going to a spiritual service.
  • It’s OKAY to not want to stay out late when you’re invited to Christmas shin digs (OR, not even going to them at all, It’s OKAY.)
  • It’s OKAY if you can’t come up with THEE PERFECT GIFT and decide to give them a gift card. *This way they can get what they really like!
  • It’s OKAY that you will forget you are watching what you’re eating when you see all the delicious christmas cookies.
  • It’s OKAY to miss the days when you and your sister woke up at Grandmas house and you believed Santa was real. *SPOILER ALERT.
  • It’s OKAY to be PISSED OFF at yourself that you waited until the last minute and you had to park WAY OUT THERE in the parking lot. *You really did know better. Oh well.

 

…and some personal things to remind yourself to be OKAY with.

  • It’s OKAY to be sad that you wish you were closer with your parents.
  • It’s OKAY that another year went by and you still have those goals you didn’t yet accomplish.
  • It’s OKAY that the holidays means you’re a year older (Birthday on New Years Eve) and still feel like you haven’t yet made your dreams come true.
  • It’s OKAY that you miss your 20′s when you didn’t know what you didn’t know.
  • It’s OKAY that you see gray hairs in the mirror.
  • It’s OKAY to have that “I’m not where I thought I would be by now” feeling. *So many others at your age are feeling the same thing. You’re not the only one.
  • It’s OKAY to be at the beginning of a new chapter of your life. *Better late than never, right?
  • *Big one* It’s OKAY that you totally let yourself go with regards to your health and spirituality. Please forgive yourself about that.
  • It’s OKAY to be emotional that you’re still not pregnant. Especially at this time of year, when that’s ALL you want for Christmas.

 

Thank you for letting me share that with you. Hopefully some of them made you feel better too.

I know I do.

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by Kerilyn Russo

Getting off the line, throwing one back and the subject we don’t talk about

November 17, 2011 in Life by Kerilyn Russo

Bar at the El Mo by Kenneth Moyle (http://kenneth.moyle.ca)

Before I launch into this topic, I know that many of us are dealing with this subject RIGHT NOW, either you are new to this type of relationship and had no idea what was in store, or don’t know what to do about it now that you do.

You’re not alone, it is my hope that by even broaching this subject (that is NOT talked about much or at all), that it comforts so many of us that are faced with this but have NO idea who to turn to.

*And If this isn’t something you’ve dealt with before, consider yourself lucky.

We already know that most people, the ones on the outside of this type of relationship, have NO idea what it’s really like. They have no idea about the long hours, the sleeping and eating alone and the fact that we pretty much handle most (ahem,ALL) of the coordinating, shopping and care taking (of the children, the house, etc) by ourselves. They probably don’t even consider that there IS someone at home, waiting for them, after they’ve filled their bellies and are good and satisfied.

On the off chance that they do think about it, their thoughts probably revolve around how COOL it would be to be married to a chef/GM/bartender,etc…having an ‘all access pass’ to restaurants, this allure of a sexy lifestyle, because of what the media has made it out to be.

That’s probably about it.

The one thing that I know most people have NO idea about, not just because they are oblivious to it but it’s not something we (on the inside) talk about is how often those late nites are not because of them still being on the line, but at a bar. After work, grabbing a drink with fellow servers, managers, bartenders, and chefs, as a way of winding down and decompressing from being constantly ‘ON’, standing on their feet for 10-15 hours a day.

To tell you the truth, I have NO idea how they do it.

I KNOW I couldn’t do what they do. I KNOW after a few days of that kind of day, I’d have to find a way to unwind after work. As someone whose 9-5 is in front of a computer all day, I cannot even fathom the fast paced and pressure filled environment, day in and day out.

Now that I’m a bit seasoned as a significant other to someone in this industry, I’ve come to understand, that due to their nocturnal lifestyle, the temptations that come with this high stress, always moving, never stopping career choice, that there are those who might turn to alcohol or dare I say…drug use as a way of forcing them to unwind and slow down. Do I agree with it? NO. But as most things in life, this subject isn’t a black or white one.

After all this time I can say, I finally get it.

I remember, QUITE a few years back, catching some program on TV with Anthony Bourdain talking about those early years, as a rising chef in NYC… how after work (at like midnight or later), he would go to some private VIP back room of some bar or restaurant, and share a delicious meal with a few other chefs and GMs, they would catch up about how that nights service was over a few rounds of shots and drinks and would inevitably come stumbling home,  a few hours later. I remember thinking…

“Holy S^#T, so this isn’t just my chef and his friends doing this.”

I had NO idea that this was part of it. I wasn’t part of the industry, how was I supposed to know?

That’s the thing… unless your IN it or you have experienced it, you have NO IDEA what to expect.

Now that I look back on that time of our relationship when it affected me the most (he had just moved to the area to be with me and started working at a prestigious fine dining restaurant) I can say that maybe I was naive, for I’ve never been a big drinker AT ALL so it’s never been something that’s on my mind, but at the time, I thought that what I was experiencing was BAD.

*For the record, I’m NOT trying to rat my now chef husband out, but I’m sharing this in case you find yourself in a similar experience…in an attempt to help others not feel so alone. I’ve gotten his permission to share our experiences.

What seemed to ME to be on a regular basis, my then chef boyfriend would inevitably call me after he gets off the line (round 11:30ish) and say that he’s going over to one of a handful of bars that usually all of the chefs met at. At the time, we lived together, and when he called he would tell me not to wait up. Inevitably, hours later I would hear him come in and shortly after, get in bed with me, only to smell of whatever he drank that night.

I was angry, concerned for his well being, and if I was being honest, also worried that this is what my life would be like if I decided to stay. It absolutely made me feel like I had no control. I felt like I had NO say when he called to tell he he was going out. I was worried about him and his safety. I missed him in the evenings, going to bed alone, knowing he was going out to with his chef friends. I was resentful. I felt like he chose them over me.

I didn’t know.

In that moment of watching that show with Chef Bourdain, It was like a light went on for me.

It doesn’t mean that it’s BAD.. that something is wrong with him or us.

Whether we like it or not, this is a PART of being in the industry.  The degree to which they partake is on an individual basis (I know that this can QUICKLY spiral out of control and become a SERIOUS problem for so many in the industry), but I’d guess that at one time or another, your restaurant man/woman have spent a bit of time burning the midnight oil at a bar, drinking with their fellow restaurant comrades.

They lead more of a nocturnal life than most of us do. How can we understand it when it’s not something we DO.

I know that my husband just doesn’t understand the concept of sitting at a desk ALL DAY LONG for my job.  He doesn’t understand. For him it’s a good day if he gets to sit down and enter invoices or to do his ordering for an hour.

Again, I’m NOT condoning drinking, drinking & driving or drug use of any kind. Please hear me when I say that. (To the contrary, I’m quite conservative on my drinking and drugs stance) I’m just saying that because I had never been in the restaurant industry, I didn’t know that this a is part of their ritual. Come to find out that most of the time he would go out, have one or two beers, talk about that nights service (probably laugh it up about the high maintenance table who brought back their ribeye three times), and then make his way home… (I say MOST of the time, there were also those nights when he came home in a cab or I got the 3am phone call to come get him. yea, good times. Thankfully that doesn’t happen much anymore.)

Back then, what I didn’t know was…

It wasn’t about the drinking, it was about having a way to decompress and unwind, but more importantly… to commune.

I don’t know when I heard it or from who, but I remember someone telling me…

“You go out to dinner with your girlfriends after work, right? You grab dinner, and maybe on a Friday, have a few drinks after work and catch up?” …well, they want to go out after work too.. unfortunately the only thing that is OPEN when they get off of work is a bar.”

Whoever said that was right. Part of how I maintain my friendships is with after work jaunts to local restaurants and catch up on what’s new and exciting. The latest gossip, etc…

Why would it be any different for these restaurant men and women?

To some degree, I feel like the bonds between those in the restaurant industry are stronger and tighter than that in the corporate world. It’s an intense world, always being “ON”, trying to make delicious food to satisfy your customers, make your numbers so you can make the owners happy for another quarter. Why wouldn’t that lend itself to really leaning on each other when the going gets tough, they find themselves ‘in the weeds’ and need to really push through a busy dinner service. It’s kinda like going into battle, or being a player on a football team headed for the Superbowl, I would think.  Bring your best, prepare for it ALL, and know you’re not going down without a fight. I think if I had to do that every night, I would feel connected to those in the trenches with me.

SO, How do I handle this?? 

Honestly, it’s really up to YOU about how you handle it. There are SO MANY FACTORS that consider, and NO ONE WAY is the right way. 

 - What is your experience with alcohol? How comfortable do YOU feel when drinking/ others are drinking? (Maybe you grew up that drinking too much/getting drunk was “bad”. Maybe it’s a way that you, too, unwind after a particularly stressful day. Maybe you don’t mind infrequent nocturnal jaunts with his buddies, then maybe you’ll feel differently)

 - What is your level in investment when dealing with the possiblity that he/she will eventually have too many drinks after work, at some point? Do you get pissed and give him the cold shoulder or do you see that as an “in” to find out how his day was/make you two closer? What happens if he/she calls and cannot drive home? How do you react to that situation? What if he/she DOES drive home?? How do you handle THAT? (There is NO right answer here, again, it’s personal preference)

 - How do you handle the possibility that YOU might think they are drinking too much, you’re worried about them but THEY are not doing anything about it? In other words, WHAT ARE YOUR LIMITATIONS? How far are you willing to go? How many times do you have to talk to them (argue) about it before you will no longer accept this?

I know there are so many of us whose other halfs evening festivities to quickly spin out of control and on a regular basis. I personally do not feel like I can speak about regular alcohol and drug abuse in general but to validate that it happens, and it’s usually a topic that noone feels comfortable talking about. If so, PLEASE KNOW you are not alone. TRUST YOURSELF. If you think there is a problem, if something feels off, IT PROBABLY IS.  

You HAVE a choice. You can choose to deal with this or not. Noone is going to fault you if you choose not to. As many people that are reading this right now are how many different situations there are surrounding drugs/alcohol. Let me repeat again – there is no ONE way to deal with this.

This is where YOUR strength is… This is where you have to learn to TRUST YOURSELF. Only YOU KNOW where your limits are. 

So let me ask you… (to lighten the topic)

How many of you have been privy to having dinner with a group of chefs & restaurant people?

If you have, you’ll catch a glimpse into what I think happens in the early mornings. I’ve sat quiet while a group of chefs talked (at length) about the difference between white and black napkins. Debating the pros and cons of it. Do I have anything to contribute to this topic? NO.  Maybe that’s part of why the early morning gatherings are so important, I mean..

They work such odd hours, WHEN do they have time to talk about such topics? Yes, that one drink to decompress can absolutely be taken overboard. With this being such a high stress profession, it makes sense to me (whether I agree with it or not) that others would seek outside substances to help them SLOW DOWN.

THANKFULLY, in my case, it was just a phase. As soon as my now husband changed restaurants, became an Executive Chef (from a Sous) the fact that he had WAY more responsibility, that he had to be as ON his game as he was able, meant cutting down on the late night sessions and throwing back a few Crown on the rocks. (My husbands drink of choice) Does he still do it from time to time? YES. I try to understand, he needs this. Now that we’re married, I sometimes get the call at 10:30pm on a Friday or Saturday nite, wanting to see if I want to meet him at the little bar up the street, a few blocks away, to meet for a beer. Somehow I’ve become his drinking buddy. Secretly, I love that he’s calling me now. Even though I’m not a drinker, I’ll sit there and ask him how his day was… and I watch him unwind a bit as he throws a beer or two back.  *8 times out of 10, I usually meet him. It’s kinda makes me fall in love with him more.

I hope this helps you know that it’s something that MOST (not all) of us have faced at one point or another. Maybe it’s early in his career, maybe it’s when he gets that promotion… who knows. Again, there are MANY different scenerios here. All I do know is you HAVE to trust YOURSELF!

I’ve come to understand it’s a rite of passage, a building of their tribe, that tight knit circle that even years later, I still do not feel like I am entirely a part of. I have accepted it as a part of what I VALUE in my relationship. He never tells me I cannot go out with my girlfriends after work.

After all these years, I think I’d like to keep it that way.

PS: **For those of you who find yourself in a situation with your other half drinking more than you know how to handle, PLEASE know there is HELP. Please check out  the following resources for finding help:

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