The one unknowing that keeps us trapped in our lives.

June 5, 2013 in Life

Hes not perfect you arent either Bob Marley

photo credit: Pinterest

Before you dive in, start here.

BEFORE I DIVE IN, I want to say – I know it’s been a while since I’ve written. Please forgive me. I’ve been wading through the waters of first trimester exhaustion and morning sickness. (Hubby and I are expecting November 6th-ish) For the good part of March, April and May… I was not able to get my brain to focus on much. Thankfully, I feel my energy, focus and therefore my renewed passion for our plight, returning with a vengence.

Interestingly,  in this pause,  it’s become ‘hit me upside my head’ clear that there is one thing that most to ALL of us don’t understand about our lives that keeps us feeling powerless, out of control, and at the whim of everyone elses decisions. This unknowing prevents us from feeling happy, knowing what to do next, and because we don’t understand, we end up sitting on our hands, feeling doubt and loneliness and end up doing nothing. I’ve seen it with clients, TIME AND TIME AGAIN and even in my own life.. it’s almost like we really do not even know we have a a WELL of amazing information we know to help us guide our lives.

I’m talking about knowing WHAT DOES AND DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU.

Do you even know that it’s up to YOU to figure out what does and doesn’t work for you? It’s NOT your parents job, your siblings job, your educators job or even your restaurant man/womans job to figure out what works FOR YOU, but for some reason that I honestly cannot fully grasp, we all don’t live out of what does or doesn’t work for us.

We don’t even know that we CAN make decisions based on what does or doesn’t work for us.

For instance -  in our everyday lives, there are PLENTY of things we KNOW we do or do not like.. that we are not willing to budge on.

  • Know that you are not an early morning person?
  • Know that you don’t like horror movies?
  • Know that you won’t be skydiving anytime soon?
  • Know that you do not like tomatoes on your ham sandwich?

That is what you KNOW about yourself.. and instinctively you make decisions based on the fact that you know this information.  You don’t question these things you KNOW… you just work around them. You don’t feel bad about these things… you just do (or don’t do) them based on what you really KNOW about what you want.

But for some reason… we don’t make decisions based on what we KNOW works (or doesn’t work) in our relationships, our friendships and the bigger, life altering decisions.

I’m convinced thats because we don’t even know what works for us with these bigger topics and don’t know that like tomatoes, scary movies and waking up early.. we are able to make decisions based on what we already know about ourselves.

Where did this unknowing come from? Of course it’s easy to say it comes from conditioning, our parents beliefs on us, mixed with our own desire to “fit in”, we have sort of silenced the part of us that KNOWS WHAT WE WANT but thinks we can’t POSSIBLY get it. *even more, definitely think we don’t DESERVE it.

I came to this conclusion after talking with a coach friend of mine about how… when I say…

“YEA, THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR ME.”

I feel SO empowered. I felt like I wanted to run through my life, kinda like going through the clothes in my closet, purging the things that I knew that no longer FIT ME.

BUT theres the rub – I don’t give away the clothes that no longer fit me… I keep them. I keep them WAY too long. I think about all the “What ifs”, and “When I”‘s and daydream about when it will be what I want it to be. All this time WASTED with NO ROOM for new clothes in my closet.

WHY? Because a little mix of parental conditioning “What if you can fit into those jeans one day, don’t be wasteful.” and a LOT of my own belief that if I let go of it, means I was not strong enough to accomplish what those smaller jeans represent. Self control. Disipline. Taking action.

It is a daily reminder of how I’m not good enough. And so there they sit… collecting dust. Secretly I WANT those old jeans around to remind me how I’m not worth what I REALLY want, which is to be thinner, running again, and making exercise a greater priority in my life.

But when I actually go through with getting rid of doesn’t work for me… despite that twinge of old messaging that says “But what if…” I will feel BETTER and my closet will have more room for what DOES work for me now.

Sound familiar?

You might be thinking… “SO WHAT does this have to do with my restaurant relationship?”

Well… What in your restaurant relationship IS OR ISN’T working for you? Do you even know? If you’re in the dating part of the Evolution of your relationship, and you are still figuring out if you want to take the leap, do you even know what YOU WANT and don’t want in a relationship IN GENERAL?

Like… the question ALL dating significant others should ask themselves NOW…. “Does being alone alot, on the weekends and on holidays WORK FOR ME?”

The sooner you ask this question and really trust the answer  you get (and act out of it).. the BETTER OFF YOU’LL BE.

Odds are you already know the answer to that question but are resisting that knowing based out of the “What ifs”.

And what if you’re already married, and when things change in his/her schedule, or your schedule… do you KNOW what does and doesn’t work for you or do you just keep sitting in the dark, feeling like you don’t have a choice. 

OF COURSE YOU HAVE A CHOICE. That’s the thing.. I don’t think we realize we DO know what we want and when we do… we don’t express it.  (and even if we do, it doesn’t have the POWER of saying that you know what does/doesn’t work for you.. so of course he/she doesn’t take you seriously. Note to myself here. :)

For instance:

  • Know that you don’t like it when your other half doesn’t text you after being at work for 12 hours?
  • How about when they sleep ALL day on their ONLY day off… How does that work for you?
  • What about when they decide to cook something at home and leave ALL the dishes for you to clean?
  • How do you feel about their choice to grab a drink after work, instead of coming home? *Especially if it’s more than one night in a row.

I BETCHA you know if that does or doesn’t work for you but instead of saying it doesn’t work for you… it just feels like one more thing that doesn’t make your relationship work. Instead of telling him/her “You know, this going out, having a few more drinks than I”m comfortable with, and then driving DOES NOT WORK FOR ME” feels differently than to just start yelling at him or feeling like your opinion doesn’t matter.

TRY IT – Say, (with a firm voice) “YEA, THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR ME.”

Feels good, right? *I know it does.

Okay, it also might FEEL a bit defiant but that’s why I know it’s GOOD FOR US. It’s challenging that old conditioning saying we are not supposed to know (or get) what we want. Keep doing it, that defiant feeling will diminish as you get more comfortable with it.

DARE you to say it out loud a few times.. and then say it WHENEVER you are faced with a choice.

  • Staying up late again because he’s now decided he’s going to work late?  – YEA, THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR ME.
  • Taking the kids to the inlaws on an already busy weekend?  – YEA, THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR ME.
  • Hosting the next book club gathering?  – “YEA, THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR ME.”

This phrase basically empowers you to LIVE from our innermost knowing. It sort of throws out the excuses about why it COULD work for you, even though we know deep down that it doesn’t and only allows for ONE CLEAR PATH of what does… or doesn’t.

GIVE IT A TRY – We KNOW what we want and what we don’t want, it’s time we give ourselves permission to EXPRESS IT.

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The one unknowing that keeps us trapped in our lives.

3 Comments

    1. Katie S says:

      Thank you again for this. My boyfriend and I just moved in together and I am truly learning more about his schedule and the “that doesn’t work for me” things. I am truly blessed to have found this site and know that 1. you CAN make it together with someone in the industry and 2. That I am not alone in what I am and will be experiencing.

    2. It is so cool that we are both expecting at the same time! Such an amazing and unexpected development! I totally get the lagging in blogging, we are struggling ourselves on that front, plus trying to keep up with work and food column. Now that we are entering a new phase of our lives together, it was also vey important to pretty much get quiet and figure out how our lives will change and to make the changes impact us as positively as possible. This is right on the money!

      • Hey there Kari – I know… it is cool to know we can chat with each other about parenting and what it’s like being married to a chef… with a newborn! Whew, girl.. I could not stare at the computer any longer than I had to, it’s gotten a bit better but I know on the weekends I still feel like I want to rest. I like what you’re saying, ‘get quiet and figure out how our lives will change.” THANKFULLY, this experience will bring forth other blessings (I’m staying home to raise little one and build Married to a Chef and my coaching practice!! FREE of the 9-5!!!) and I feel blessed to be able to take care of my family… and my larger family of significant others!!

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The one unknowing that keeps us trapped in our lives.

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